And Now For Something Completely Different
by Kyrial Halcoryn
Summary: No longer oneshot! For those not in the know: Genres and characters apply only to the latest chapter. Guaranteed something for everyone!... maybe. Notes from the School Notice Board
1. Lesser Known Courting Rituals of Hollows

**A/N:** Happy Christmas. I got enough time (20 minutes) to write something as a present. It has absolutely nothing to do with the Monty Python series of shorts, save that it is, as the title suggests, something Completely Different. Please, enjoy.

**Pairings: **Uryuu/Ichigo (hinted), Uryuu/Shiro

**Warning:** this is crack. If you do not like yaoi pairings or hints at crossdressing, you are perfectly free to leave this page and find more comforting straight relationship based things elsewhere. Characters in this are OOC as hell, but it _is_ Christmas. And no argument will manage to convince me that Uryuu Ishida would _not_ be the dominant one in an Ichi/Ishi relationship, despite what everyone else might think. Have a nice day~

* * *

Uryuu Ishida had not been anticipating a knock on his door at that particular point in time. Nonetheless, despite the fact he couldn't quite get an accurate reading on the reiatsu of whoever it was, he went to open it anyway.

Standing in front of him, and looking somewhat uncomfortable, was Ichigo's not-quite-so-inner-right-now Hollow, holding a gift-wrapped box.

He stared.

The hollow gave an embarrassed kind of cough.

"…hi."

Uryuu Ishida blinked.

_I already received a present from Kurosaki. What's _he _doing here?_

The Christmas present he'd received from Kurosaki had sounded satisfactorily like the new sewing machine he'd been ogling, given the way it shifted in its packaging. The return gift he'd given had been a set of Shakespeare's more romantic sonnets, as well as a copy (in the original English, of course) of _Romeo and Juliet,_ something that had been sent with a tad of wry humour. Uryuu had had plans for afterwards, of course… that nice dress… but that could wait until Christmas Day itself.

Having Shirosaki-san turn up on his doorstep was somewhat unexpected.

Uryuu became aware that the silence was rapidly becoming extremely awkward.

"…yes?"

"…I brought ya a present." He handed over the box.

"Thanks." Uryuu tilted it curiously from side to side, trying to see what was in there. The contents seemed surprisingly heavy, and rolled from side to side.

"Ya might not wanna wait 'til tomorrow t' open it…" Shiro shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

His suspicion was immediately aroused. "Why not?"

"…might not keep 'til then…" He was staring at the ground, normally white skin flushed to a pale peach colour.

…_food?_

Uryuu carefully undid the ribbon and took the lid off.

The dismembered head of Mayuri Kurotsuchi stared lifelessly back at him.

[Thoughts in consequential order:

1._ Oh dear kami he gave me a _head _as a Christmas present._

2. …_what the hell?_

3. …_Shiro _is_ a hollow, after all…_

4. …_Shiro gave me a Christmas present?_

5. …_he… likes me…_]

"…I know ya never liked him much, so I kinda thought – "

Uryuu stared at the suddenly anxious-to-please expression on the face of the hollow. Whatever the courtship rituals for hollows were, he supposed it was ridiculous to expect them to be anything like a human's. And for all he knew, the head of your decapitated arch-nemesis might _indeed_ be an acceptably romantic gift… for a hollow, perhaps. Humans, not so much.

Evidently there was more re-education in line before the year was out…

…but his pale complexion would look_ damn_ good in that dress…

Uryuu opened the door further, sighing.

"Come on in, then."


	2. What Really Happened to Aizen Part 1

**A/N:** ...okay, so this will be a series of oneshots. Any random crack or romance that's under 1000 words will probably be posted here in future... and the author will not be held responsible for any awkward situations that may result from reading this. Reviews are love.

* * *

**What Really Happened to Aizen Sosuke (part 1)  
**

**Pairing: **Keigo/Mizuiro

**Warning:** Uh... features cats, genderbendery and crack. Have a nice day~

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki sprinted up the white stairs. He had to catch up with Aizen after he'd found the original Ouken from its hiding-place in Karakura Town, before he managed to reach the Spirit King and kill him. Ichigo really didn't want to see what would happen if Aizen gained the power of a god. _Nothing good, probably._

His heart dropped as he reached the summit of the stairs, only to see the traitorous captain already standing before a pair of great, gleaming, golden doors, the Ouken already in his hand.

_Crap!_

"Ah, Ichigo Kurosaki. Come to witness my ascension, I see," Aizen commented pleasantly.

Ichigo glowered at the man in front of him with hatred.

"I must commend you on coming this far, but honestly, why must you continue to fight?"

A quick flash-step, and he was between Aizen and the doors, blocking his path.

_Because I can't let you have this kind of power. Because of my friends you hurt. Because you almost killed Rukia, kidnapped Inoue, and threatened to destroy my town, my friends and my family!_

The newly-named Shirosaki added something highly uncomplimentary (and therefore censored) about Aizen to Ichigo's own rant.

Kyoka Suigetsu clashed against Tensa Zangetsu as Ichigo attempted to force Aizen backwards, to no avail.

"Really, you must see that this is completely pointless. A person such as yourself has no reason to support Soul Society, after all. Or do you honestly believe they won't turn on you as soon as they discover your hollowification?" Aizen laughed. "How naive of you..." With a flash-step, he covered the distance between them, raising Kyoka Suigetsu for another blow. "...but perhaps I should leave you alive here. It would teach you what Seireitei do to part-hollows, after all. Or did the Visoreds never tell you that they were sentenced for execution for merely _existing?_" He struck, the blade cutting into Ichigo's shoulder and striking the wall behind, smashing a little box attached to it and causing a ringing noise to sound, loudly.

And just for a second, there was a flicker of doubt.

_Am I really doing the right thing? They sentenced Rukia to be executed so easily..._

**Kinda irrelevant if he's tryin' ta kill us, King...**

_Focus, Ichigo,_ admonished Zangetsu._ His distractions will only work if you permit them to cause your resolve to falter._

Ichigo reached up to pull the mask across his face-

"Jeez, it's not like you need to kill the doorbe- shit."

A young brunette in a maid outfit had opened the door from the inside, and was currently standing with the tip of Kyoka Suigetsu about half an inch from the bridge of her nose before Ichigo could react.

"I hadn't anticipated the Spirit King to be female, but nevertheless, this - "

"_I'm not the Spirit King!_" she shrieked, attempting to back off.

Ichigo blinked. She looked kind of familiar, plus the way she was acting -

"_Keigo?_"

"Uh... hi, Ichigo, don't suppose you could help right now?"

"But - you - " Ichigo's gaze slid along Keigo's body. Yep, definitely female.

"You know her?"

"..." Ichigo's face was still stuck in a 'WTF' expression.

"Look, there was a kind of accident, and then shit happened - "

"Asano-san?"

Mizuiro's head appeared from behind the door.

Aizen's swordpoint flicked to him. "_You _are the Spirit King, then."

"Yes," Mizuiro replied calmly. "Are you okay, Ichigo?"

"..."

"Mizuiro found this weird key kinda thing with that tiara he's wearing, and then it brought us here and, uh - " Keigo coughed, blushing deeply. " - there was a dying guy sitting on this throne and he said he needed an heir. So since Miz got in there first, the old guy said Miz needed a consort - "

"I would have mentioned it earlier, but you were so busy with going off to rescue Inoue-chan I never had the chance to explain about it or anything. Sorry."

"Oh, don't worry." Aizen readied his sword. "No further explanations will be nece-"

Kyoka Suigetsu's blade was suddenly in Mizuiro's hand as he pulled it out of Aizen's grip.

"I'm allergic to sharp pointy things near my face. Sorry."

Aizen's reaction was commendable. A fraction of a second after, he shifted his stance slightly into the classic Kido-casting posture.

"Hado 90: Kuro-"

There was a moment in which the world was uncertain, and in which Ichigo had the sudden sensation of strawberries, before the universe returned to relative normality.

"Meep?"

A small brown-and-white calico kitten stared upwards.

"Not _again..._"

Mizuiro reached down to scoop up the cat.

"Miz, we've already got _one _cat! And she's a girl!" moaned Keigo. "Do you _want _kittens all over the place or something?"

The current Spirit King lifted the kitten up to his line of sight.

"Meep?"

The cat suddenly looked very, very afraid.

"I guess we'll just have to neuter him, then," commented Mizuiro.

Keigo winced.

"Meep!"

The cat wriggled desperately in Mizuiro's grip as he carried him inside.

"See you around, Ichigo. Asano-san?"

"I told you to stop calling me that-"

Mizuiro's arm slid around Keigo's waist before pulling her inside with a yelp.

The door slammed shut.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the cavalry arrived.

"Kurosaki?" Uryuu Ishida asked cautiously, before waving a hand in front of the other's eyes.

No response.

"Maybe he's under hypnosis," Orihime suggested anxiously.

Rukia poked him abruptly. "Oi! Ichigo! What happened to Aizen? Did you defeat him?"

Ichigo turned to face his friends with a haunted expression on his face that made even Renji recoil.

"Trust me when I say you really don't want to know."


	3. The End of the World is Nigh

**The End of the World Is Nigh/Second Coming of Cthulhu**

**Pairing: **None.

**Warning:** ...this is something I started a while back. Ergo, the style is somewhat different... never got round to posting it. And Luppi doesn't really suit Cthulhu much... I think Hastur would probably work better, but Cthulhu is better known. This is also probably the one and only time Lovecraft will ever feature in any way in my writing.

* * *

Luppi sighed with content as the hairdresser massaged his skull, gently rubbing shampoo and conditioner into his hair. He closed his eyes. Probably the entirety of the Espada would take the piss if they found out what he was doing right now. Well… except for maybe Halibel, and, just possibly, Szayel. They'd probably ask for the address instead. _They_ knew the importance of a good hairdresser…

Warm air caressed his head gently, as the hairdresser dried and straightened his hair.

"There we go, darling," said the woman, as she finished.

Luppi opened his eyes to see his reflection in the mirror.

"Well? Do you like it?" she asked anxiously. "I thought it would be best to leave the bangs across the eyes just there, since it would be a shame to trim it, but…"

He smiled, fingering it. "It's perfect."

She smiled.

Pretending to be a woman had more than one benefit. Getting a decent hairdresser and a discount was just one of them.

Suddenly, he detected the reiatsu of a powerful hollow around.

_Probably a dissenter. Aizen-sama ordered all assaults on the Living World to stop for the time being._

He scowled. And since he was here already, he'd have to deal with it, which would _cut into his free time,_ dammit!

Luppi thanked the hairdresser politely, before paying up and dashing for the door. Any hollows making an attack on the Living World caused others to start coming through, and they might leak information of the upcoming assault. And of course, that just wouldn't do.

He sighed as he deposited his gigai on a park bench. The irony of an arrancar doing a shinigami's job did not escape him.

Staring up at the hollow, his upper lip curled with contempt as his fugly sensors began screaming out in protest, in a similar manner to the way they did whenever Charlotte Cuulhorne was near.

"Let's get this over with."

* * *

One of the lesser members of the cult of the Second Coming of Cthulu was present in the town that day, searching for the human incarnation of his god.

Since the human incarnation of Cthulhu was also in Japan at the time, with no knowledge of what he might have been, it is entirely plausible that Luppi did, in fact, save the world by preventing the human incarnation from awakening and bringing back the Old Ones from their prisons… but that's a different story.

* * *

Luppi swore.

The creature was a lot stronger than he'd anticipated, and was causing a not inconsiderable amount of damage to the town with its ability to spray acid all over the place. Plus the humans below were screaming and running away while the ground was dissolving, and the noise was giving him a headache.

It spat again. The goo landed on his arm this time, dissolving through his sleeve and ruining his uniform.

_"Eat that, bitch!"_ it laughed manically as it reached out. _"Maybe I'll take that pretty body of yours too…"_

Uniform.

_Ruined._

"DIIIIIEEEE!" Luppi screamed. "Strangle, Trepadora!"

The long tentacles erupted from his back.

_"Wha-" _The other hollow had just about enough time to speak before Luppi had him ensnared, sharp spikes suddenly protruding from the tips of the appendages and poisoning the creature.

_"_I am_ not_ a girl! So a guy can't take pride in his appearance or something? Huh?" With every word, he punched another hole through the hollow, before it vanished and Luppi stepped back down onto the ground again.

And his hairstyle was _ruined._ Luppi felt like crying.

"Cthulhu… has come forth once more…"

He turned to notice that there was a human watching with an expression he wasn't familiar with – oh wait, he was familiar with it. It was the same kind of way Zommari always looked at Aizen. _Reverence, right._

"My Lord."

The human dropped to his knees, prostrating himself before Luppi.

"I and the other faithful have long sought your awakening… and now… you are come once more…"

"Faithful?" Luppi echoed, completely confused.

"Yes, my Lord." The man's head went further down. "We will do your bidding upon this earth, and will be commanded as you see fit."

Luppi stared.

"Exactly how many of you are there?"

* * *

Grimmjow barged into the Sexta's lodgings, smirking with his new arm attached. That little fruit Luppi was going to _pay _for this, oh yeah. And there wouldn't be any more Oh-I'm-Aizen-Sama's-Personal-Bitch hacking off his arm and incinerating it, oh no. There was no save for him this ti-

"Do you mind, Grimmjow?"

Luppi was lying down on his front, completely naked. A pair of white-robed young women were massaging oil into his back as another carefully trimmed his toenails.

"The fu-" Grimmjow sputtered. "Luppi, what the hell did you do to this place?"

"This place?" Luppi arched an eyebrow. "I didn't know you had any right to be here any more, Mr. ex-Sexta. Oh, I see your arm's back, too. Good for you – ah, just a little lower… Yeah, thanks, can you call back later? I'm in the middle of something-"

"Since when the hell did you have groupies anyway?"

"We have sworn ourselves unto the great Cthulhu-sama's service," replied one of the masseuses, glancing up at Grimmjow as an older man entered and bowed.

"Cthulhu-sama, your meal is ready when you see fit."

"Right. Anyway, why _were_ you here, ex-Sexta?"

Grimmjow twitched again.

"The hell'd you think I came here for?"

"I have absolutely no idea. Maybe Tousen dropped you on the head or something after-"

Grimmjow's hand flew to Pantera, drawing it.

"Screw you, Luppi," Grimmjow snarled. "I'm taking my place back."

In his fury, Grimmjow had failed to notice the fact that many of the 'groupies' were reaching towards things that would _definitely_ not pass through a weapons check in a security scan at any airport in the Living World. Most of them could also easily be classified as 'sharp', 'pointy', 'stabby', or at least 'painful'.

The ex-Sexta made a lunge for Luppi before being restrained by 267 separate people.

"You will not hurt the reincarnation of Cthulhu."

"Wh– "

Grimmjow was promptly carried out by a not inconsiderable number of acolytes, who despite the arrancar's strength, still managed to win through by force of numbers.

Silence reigned once more, as Luppi closed his eyes and got back to the important business of relaxing.

Maybe humans didn't suck so much after all…


	4. What Really Happened to Aizen Part 2

**What really happened to Aizen Sosuke: Part 2**

**Pairing:** None.

**Warning: **Spoilers for Chapter 415. Nothing else short of crack warnings... but you knew that anyway.

**A/N: **...Because _everyone _was thinking it.

http:/ browse. deviantart. com/ ?qh=§ion=&q=ichigo+kurosaki+pokemon#/ d2xul5l

Copy. Paste. Remove spaces. React appropriately.

Also, do not own the art. Do not own Bleach. Do not own Pokemon, as if you didn't guess already.

* * *

Ichimaru Gin fell to the ground, eyes wide for once.

"Thank you, Gin… for providing me with the fear necessary to evolve further."

Aizen's voice was pleasant as the wound healed over, regenerating rapidly. Wide wings spread from his back now.

_He didn't… even…_

"No!"

And suddenly Rangiku was there, holding him.

_No… get back…_

"I'll deal with you later… but now… I have more important matters to deal with… such as the ascension to godhood."

"Aren't you forgetting something, Aizen?"

Ichigo Kurosaki stepped through the opening Senkaimon.

"Ichigo," he said pleasantly as he turned. "I see you've – "

The expression on Aizen Sosuke's face was an unfamiliar one that had probably not been seen there for several centures, and it was one that Ichimaru Gin, certainly, had never seen before. It was also one that he commited to memory, simply because seeing Aizen's 'wtf' face was probably the last source of amusement he thought he would ever have.

_Oh, wait… it's clearing now. Rangiku, ya idiot…_

Aizen Sosuke began to laugh, a grating, echoing sound.

"_This_ is your ultimate power?"

"I spent three months with Dad training."

Gin's gaze shifted over to Ichigo.

The boy's attire had changed considerably since the last time he'd seen him.

Instead of the original black bankai coat of Tensa Zangetsu, he was now wearing something relatively normal for the current fashions of teenage humans, although the part that drew the eye most was probably the black-and-red cap with the strange insignia on…

"Hahahahahahahaha!" Aizen laughed insanely. "You really hope to defeat me without a zanpakuto? And I had hoped I would be able to eat your soul… but it seems you're really worthless after all, Ichigo Kurosaki!"

"That's true."

"Oh?" Aizen cocked his head to one side. "You acknowledge this?"

"My strength… comes from others. The people around me. My companions. The ones I've travelled with and befriended. My dad… taught me the truth when I was in the Dangai. About my destiny."

"Really?"

"To become… the greatest Pokemon trainer!"

Aizen stared.

"You're insane."

_Ya know, he really is slippin'… that's the second time today,_ Gin mused. Although he did say he had to agree with Aizen. He couldn't sense any traces of the boy's reiatsu any more.

Ichigo reached for his belt grimly, removing a red-and-white sphere.

"Snorlax."

A bright crimson light flared, as a huge mountain of a creature suddenly appeared out of it, defying all known laws of physics (but this is Bleach anyway, so it isn't like anyone's going to notice).

Aizen stared…

Up…

At about 460 kilograms of Snorlax. It was an impressive sight.

"You really hope that creature can defeat me? Then you're even more deluded than I originally thought. If I must… then I will obliterate all hope you have left."

"Rollout."

"Wha-"

The creature started spinning towards Aizen, who fired off energy blasts at short range, causing his stomach to make strange noises and Snorlax to move faster, apparently incensed. A _lot_ faster.

There was a crunch.

Ichimaru winced.

* * *

_Wild Butterfree appeared!_

_Go! Snorlax!_

_Snorlax used Rollout! It's super effective!_

_Wild Butterfree fainted!_

* * *

"So, Ichigo, you've co-"

_Ichigo Kurosaki uses Master Ball!_

_Congratulations! Wild Aizen was caught!_


	5. The Difficulty With Lieutenants

**The Difficulty With Lieutenants**

**Pairing:** Not Himamori/Aizen.

**Warning: **Insanity, as per usual. Semi-parody. Hinamori. Aizen. OOCness. Please, allow your imagination to run rampant now.

**A/N: **Got bored of all the Hinamori stuff that portrays her as a super-weak character or bashes her, and all the Hinamori/Hitsugaya stuff. Admittedly Tite Kubo does her no favours, but seriously. I think I've only ever seen 2 stories out there that feature her _realistically_ without being fluff.

...This is not one of those stories.

* * *

Aizen looked up from his morning cup of tea to see Ulquiorra, waiting patiently for his lord and master like a good Espada, bless his missing emo heart.

_If only Grimmjow could be so obedient,_ Aizen mused. His mouth twisted into a slight smile at the thought - maybe he would enjoy being petted like a domesticated feline... perhaps catnip might assist him in that task? - before returning to the matter in hand.

"Ulquiorra."

"Aizen-sama, we appear to have an intruder," Ulquiorra said quietly.

Aizen wondered exactly what it would take to get Ulquiorra to smile, or whether his face was (as he'd betted against Gin) permanently stuck that way.

"Oh really?"

"I believe it is the woman named Hinamori Momo, the lieutenant of the Fifth Division."

Aizen raised an eyebrow. She was here, of all places? Well... he had trained her to be devoted to him to the point of hero worship, but even so, such an event was something that he _almost _hadn't anticipated. _Almost. _Of course, Sosuke Aizen being Sosuke Aizen, he had prepared for every eventuality that might occur. Her defection was not entirely unexpected, although welcome.

"Permit her to come here, if you will. Allow her to pass unscathed."

This, at least, would break the endless monotony that had been plaguing him recently...

* * *

"Aizen-taicho!"

Benevolent Smile #3: Valued Wise Mentor crossed Aizen's face. It was an art he'd perfected long ago. Inwardly, the corner of his eye was twitching.

_...Ulquiorra was serious. Well, it's not as if he's capable of anything else, _he mentally remanded himself, _but even so. _Ichimaru was probably watching this from the control room and giggling like a hormonal schoolgirl round about now. The corner of his eye _almost_ twitched _in real life_ at the thought, before he repressed his inner emotions.

"Hinamori-chan. It's good to see you." He spread his arms out wide as she rushed forwards, before pulling her into a warm embrace close to his body as she broke down into tears.

_Dear Kami how did I put up with this for so long I don't even_

"I knew if I just had the chance to find you again you could explain everything to me, because you just wouldn't have done something like that for no reason!" she sobbed, her voice somewhat muffled.

"I'm sorry for what I had to do. The facade was necessary in order to fool everyone in Soul Society. You see, the hollows desire to rise above their instincts, to become creatures with purpose, free of their hunger. They strive to become like the shinigami. And the Spirit King... was responsible for making things such that hollows would continue to be created, over and over again, so that the cycle can never be broken." He mentally congratulated himself for coming up with such an excellent excuse on the fly. "In Soul Society, I couldn't continue to live with the knowledge that the hollows were suffering. I wish to free them of their hunger. To make things _right._"

"I understand, Aizen-taicho," she murmured softly. "I wish you'd taken me with you... but I understand that you didn't know if I was trustworthy. I forgive you for that."

"Thank you." He pulled her a little closer to his body, cursing mentally. Gin would be having a fit about this in the control room. "I -"

"Bakudo 79: Kuyo Shibari."

Aizen's eyes widened as Hinamori was suddenly no longer in his grip, and the eight dark spheres indicative of the kido appeared around him, just as the ninth took its place in his chest.

"Wh-"

Hinamori's gaze was suddenly steel. "Did you really think I would fall for your words again, Aizen-taicho?"

"I didn't recall you ever being able to cast such a high-level kido without the incantation before. Evidently you _have_ grown, Hinamori-chan." He smirked, but beneath the smug exterior, he was beginning to panic a little. _Shit. She managed to seal off my reiatsu almost completely! Why didn't I just kill her on the spot before?_

"When Shiro-chan talked to me after I recovered, I realized I was wrong about you." She stared at him coldly. "I can't forgive you for betraying my trust, Aizen-taicho, even if what you said was true."

_...where the hell is the silver-haired brat? Ichimaru should have noticed something and come by now!_

* * *

Ichimaru Gin hummed a happy tune.

"Oh Ulqui-chan~"

Ulquiorra turned.

"...Ichimaru-sa-?"

And stared.

_Blink._

_Blink._

In front of him was far more of the ex-captain than Ulquiorra had _ever_ wanted to see.

Gin pounced, a gleeful expression on his face.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened, horrified, before he decided discretion was the better part of valour and he should _really_ start running like hell.

* * *

"Goodbye, Aizen-taicho." She took a deep breath.

_She can't really think that zanpakuto of her can possibly -_

"_Seeping crest of turbidity. Arrogant vessel of lunacy!"_

_...oh shit,_ Aizen thought with a dawning horror. _She isn't really going to -_

_"Boil forth and deny! Grow numb and flicker! Disrupt sleep! Crawling queen of iron! Eternally self-destructing doll of mud!"_

_...she is._

Aizen found the prospect of looking at a Kurohitsuji kido from the inside extremely unappetizing. The Hogyokou was inactive, Ichimaru had buggered off somewhere, Ulquiorra had turned off the alarms to warn that Hinamori was here, Szayel was doing Kami knew what in his laboratory and probably wouldn't lift a finger, Starrk was lazy as hell, and Tousen and most of the other Espada were still scouting extra hollows for the arrancarization process.

_"Unite! Repulse! Fill with soil and know your own powerlessness!_" The dark lines of energy rose up from the floor, standing ramrod straight as they sketched out the confines of his personal box of death.

_...this has to be the crappiest way of dying. Ever._

* * *

(Somewhere in Rukongai, D-Roy sneezed whilst Ulquiorra screamed like a little girl, stoic mask apparently abandoned and burning in hell.)

* * *

"Hado 90: _Kurohitsuji!_"

Hinamori Momo lowered her hands as the coffin completed, shaking slightly. Ever since Hitsugaya had talked to her about Aizen while he was in the Living World, it became clear to her that there was no way he could have been innocent.

_He was willing to run me through with Kyoka Suigetsu... and he hurt Shiro-kun. __I can't forgive that._

The effort of using two high-level kido spells was putting its toll on her body, and she was still in enemy territory. She'd been surprised that there had been no other defences, but then Aizen would have been arrogant enough to think that she couldn't do any damage to his plans.

Hinamori wasn't exactly sure of her emotions at that time. Terrified, exhilarated, regretful, nervous... her act had almost sickened herself with the way she'd acted towards Aizen before he'd left.

_...but it's over now._

The hado split open behind her, its work finished as it revealed the bloodied remains of Aizen.

Lifting Tobimue, Hinamori summoned the Senkaimon before stepping through. She didn't look back.

* * *

About three hours later, someone finally realised that their lord and master had kicked the bucket and was making a mess in the middle of corridor 315E.

It was eventually decided that Something should be Done about this, so Loly and Menoly were dispatched to clean up while Ichimaru Gin took charge of Las Noches, Tousen still not being back yet. Shortly after this, he issued the order that all female arrancar should wear burlesque outfits as their uniform. This motion, while seconded by Barragan Luisenbarn and Nnoitora Jiruga (amongst several others), resulted in Tia Halibel becoming extremely pissed.

As a result, he was using shunpo to try to escape from her, something which wasn't working very well due to the fact she was capable of using sonido.

"_La Gota!_"

But at least he could die happy by knowing that Aizen owed him $50...


	6. Marriage Proposals: A Dialogue

**Marriage Proposals (A Dialogue)**

**Blurb: **In which fathers are blamed for everything, Kisuke Urahara is unnecessarily cruel, and Uryuu Ishida is not a happy bunny at impending doom.

**Warning: **Uh... none in particular. Except prearranged marriage contracts.

**A/N: **I'm not dead, but I wish I were... Stupid real life. x.x

* * *

You wanted to see me about something?

Oh, yes. (cheerfully) I recently came across a written document in your father's handwriting.

(suspiciously) Really?

Oh yes. We used to be drinking buddies before, actually. Along with Isshin and Yoruichi.

...and what possible relevance do Ryuuken's past habits have to me? It's not as if -

Well, actually... such a thing is extremely relevant to you, as a matter of fact. (light cough) You see, your father signed this document a while ago.

I still fail to see how this pertains to me.

Well... perhaps it would best to inform you of the fact that Ichigo Kurosaki has, in fact, Shinigami heritage.

...how is this relevant?

I'll get to the good part in a minute. You don't have to be so hasty, Ishida-kun! Would you like some tea?

Since you seem to have nothing to say-

SIT.

...

Much better~ Anyway, where was I? Ah yes... in fact, your friend is the living heir to the Spirit King.

(sputter) _What?_!

I said, Ichigo Kurosaki is of the royal family, as is his father Isshin.

You're... you're serious.

Deadly.

But then -

(interrupting) There is a strange peculiarity that all the documents signed by any member of the royal family are permanently binding by both parties. I suppose you might have noticed that Ichigo-kun does not break his promises, when they are made. The repercussions of such a thing being broken would be... shall we say, _extreme._ Death might be preferable, were it possible. I certainly remember someone breaking such a contract... let's just say the results... weren't pretty.

...and? (suspiciously)

Well... the thing is... (cough) I retained this sheet of paper from a drinking session with Ryuuken and Isshin.

Why-

(interrupting) Essentially... your father entered his firstborn into a marriage contract with Isshin's eldest son.

...

Unfortunately, of course, it was before your parents actually _had_ you.

...

Of course, there are all sorts of arrangements that can be made, particularly since the Royal Guard are rather fussy about male descendants having heirs to the throne. I'm sure I could make some minor modifications to your body that would be perfectly painless and enable you to -

(thump)

...damn. I didn't even get to say April Fool's before he fainted...

* * *

"...you do realise there's going to be hell to pay when he wakes up, right?" Yoruichi asked.

"It was worth it just to see the look on his face, though..."

* * *

Happy first of April~


	7. Hougyoku

**Hougyoku**

**Warning: **Spoilers for the end of the Karakura Town arc, also depressingness. May well be written as a story in its own right... I actually have something I came up with using this concept _but I have no time to write it all up. _D8

**A/N:** This is... surprisingly thoughtful. I came up with a weird idea given the nature of Hougyoku that Aizen talks about. I do not own Bleach, however.

* * *

The child sits there, half-asleep, waiting in darkness.

It's been a long time since he's known anyone else's presence. Their emotions called out to him when they approach him, giving him meaning to his existence. Without others, there is no reason, no purpose for him to exist, simply emptiness. He doesn't know what Hell would feel like, but certainly the sensation of being so disconnected from the rest of the universe is... unpleasant, to say the least.

There is no mouth, no eyes, no skin, no tongue, no nose - none of these things can give him confirmation of his own existence.

He wishes for acknowledgement, but finds none, not even from his own father who has long since abandoned him with deep indigo-tinged fear of him, along with the others who had been messes of raging crimson and violet draped in shadow. He untangled them again, like his father wanted him to; it only earned him this... this... emptiness.

He isn't sure what he did wrong for his father. All he has done is what father wanted, nothing more.

Happiness, he has long since decided, is the best emotion, ever, a bright beautiful thing that lights up his being and resonates within. It's something he's only felt from father a few times, but he wanted to change that. Except then there were other people than just father around, and he wasn't sure _who_ he should make happy, or how he should do it because some of them wanted so _much_.

So he tried for all of them.

(Even the man who was sad inside, the one who screamed out at the world that he wanted to _die_ and finally find peace at the hands of someone stronger whilst desiring more strength.)

(Even the man who wanted nothing more than to see his experiment come to success, his father.)

(Even the man who desired justice above all else, vengeance for the woman who had been cut down.)

(Even the other boy, the one who desired something precious to him to be protected.)

Except it was so _difficult_ and things didn't work out the way he wanted them to, and he didn't make people happy, and then father himself had been afraid of him and cut him off from the rest of the world in a cage where he couldn't sense anything of the outside for a long long time.

He decided a long time ago that the word was _lonely,_ and it hurt. He didn't like pain, either.

And then... someone found him and took him out of the cage.

There was the explosion of emotion again against his deprived body, with the rage and lust and sorrow, emotions of raw spirits whose hearts had been torn out, and people whose emotions were purer, but in some ways worse. The one who was sad inside was there again, with a request this time (and besides it wasn't as if he wasn't going to do it _anyway_) but he took off their masks and tried to heal their hearts, as best as he could. It didn't quite work the way he wanted it to, though, and they weren't really the same as before, but it was a bit better. Just a little.

So he helped as best he could.

A girl came round after a while, shining silver, coloured with fear. He could tell she didn't really want to be here, but was worried over something else.

He just wished he could tell her it was all going to be okay, because he'd make it okay if it wasn't okay of its own accord.

And eventually there were more people who came for her, even without his help, but they were... different from the others, somehow. Neither like father nor the heartless creatures, somewhere in between...

And then there was the boy, the one that the lonely man was interested in.

He'd been forced to stand by and wait and let them _die_ (because they'd given up, some of them, and happiness was greater than death even if it hurt).

Then things had happened. A lot of the other people (like father) had fallen. Father himself had come.

He'd saved the other boy (who was older now, not really a boy any more like him) from losing what was important to him, but the lonely man hadn't wanted him to live any more.

And then the boy, the one who burned so brightly and captured the lonely man's attention, had turned up, and been stronger, broken the loneliness for a little, even if it was just for a few seconds with fear. The lonely man had done something strange then, he wasn't sure what, but he was pretty sure he wasn't with the lonely man any more.

That was good, though. Maybe he'd done something right and the lonely man didn't need him, even though that thought was kind of sad and he didn't want to think about being left behind again.

He just hoped the lonely man was happy now.

* * *

Even if he had to wait forever in the darkness, it would be okay.

_Someone_ would come. The bright boy would come find him, and then he'd help make him happy and everything would be better because then nobody would ever have to be alone again.

So he waits, patiently, in the loneliness... but it's okay, because he knows it'll end soon, like it did for the other lonely man.


	8. Shameless Self Insertion

**Shameless Self-Insertion**

**Pairing:** None.

**Warning: **Read the title. Also, mild blood, gore and injury, but since this involves the Eleventh division, what did you expect?

**A/N: **The character involved does not, in fact, have long swishy ebony locks with red streaks and perfectly straight white vampire teeth, nor is she half-elf, half-angel and half-demon... but she does do quite a lot of paperwork.

...What?

* * *

There are many great mysteries in the Japanese branch of Soul Society, also known as Seireitei.

Each squadron has at least one secret that many have attempted to figure out to little avail; such matters as the actual age of the Soutaicho Yamamoto Genryuusai, or perhaps how Ukitake Jyuushiro, the the 13th division's captain, manages to keep the captain of 8th in check whilst still suffering from long-term tuberculosis, or even the nature of Unohana-taicho's bankai - something nobody has ever witnessed and lived to tell the tale.

Eleventh division has several mysteries, varying from Yachiru Kusajushi and whether or not their taicho has a shikai and just really doesn't want anyone to know about it (because using such a thing would be a pansy-ass way of fighting to him).

However, these both pale in comparison to the mystery of _how all the paperwork gets done._

Everyone knows Zaraki Kenpachi is far too interested in fighting to bother to sit down and sign everything off (and whether or not he can even read is debated often... well away from the Eleventh, of course), and given the number of forms from all the other divisions (because Eleventh likes fighting, and kami knows fighting makes paperwork like nothing else), it comes as a surprise that any of it _gets done_ in the first place.

The lieutenant is too immature, and rather hyperactive; any paper and ink set in front of her would rapidly degenerate into a splurdge of attempted art to give to Feathers or Ken-chan, or drawing hair on Pachinko's head in order to make up for his blatant baldness.

Ikkaku Madrame has a similar temperament to Zaraki, and spends the majority of time training to get better so that he can beat up even more people. This rules him out as a possible candidate.

Therefore, the natural logic declares that all paperwork must fall to Yumichika Ayesegawa, the only person girly enough to do such a girly job and be the closest thing the division has to a secretary (since there are no women in Eleventh). However, he also spends a not-inconsiderable amount of time with Ikkaku, as well as drinking sake, making himself pretty and then there just isn't _time_ to finish off all the paperwork, although to be fair, he does do _some._ Just not very much.

Also, the quantity of paperwork that the Fourth division sends in one day _alone_ amounts to Thirteenth's paperwork for the entire _week._

And obviously nobody in the lower seats of the Eleventh division does paperwork, because nobody like_ them _- the toughest of the tough - would ever be seen dead with what is, in their opinion, a nancy job, oh no. They'd much rather be seen with someone else dead, possibly with a few fresh scars or two as a nice memento of a good fight.

(Except obviously nobody will say that to Yumichika's face, because that would result in quite a lot of pain.)

* * *

It is, however, a very well-known fact that there is only one female in Eleventh division. It's also wrong.

* * *

Yumichika cautiously opened the door to the building. It was something very few people knew of, and was commonly referred to as 'The Den' by those in the know.

He peered into the gloom. There was a considerable amount of paper, and a lot of whirring noises. Probably if they brought in someone from Twelfth, they would have a field day with all the technology around the room, but as it was, most of the artefacts remained fairly mysterious to him, save the ones he used.

"Oh hi, Ayesegawa-san."

Light reflected off a pair of spectacles as they were adjusted.

"Yumi."

"Was there something you needed?" Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap, scritch-scritch.

"Well," he began cautiously, "when was the last time you came out of here?"

Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. "Not sure. Most of the paperwork for today's finished though, why?"

"...you should really take a break."

The tapping stopped as she stared up at him. "Are you _offering_ to do _all_ the paperwork, Ayesegawa-san?"

He winced. "Yachiru was somewhat worried."

"I'm surprised if most of the Eleventh knows I _exist._" Her gaze shifted down to the computer monitor again as her fingers flew across the keyboard and the pen danced across the page, signing off medical forms for someone who had been slightly more idiotic than was normal.

Some days, Yumichika wondered how someone like her had ended up in the Eleventh division in the first place. She was simply Yumi to everyone who knew about her, fairly well educated and surprisingly intelligent (despite the fact he'd found her during one of his nostalgic visits to the lower districts of Rukongai) and thus probably better suited to the Fourth or Twelfth divisions -

"I enjoy having my body intact, Ayesegawa-san." There was a hint of reproach in her voice.

He winced slightly. And then there was the fact that, Little Yumi or not, he _had_ seen her win the fourth seat with good reason, after all...

"Lunch?" He deposited the paper bag as he settled down to assist with Yumi's pile of physical paperwork.

"Thank you."

* * *

There are two semi-drunken members of Eleventh division.

One is also about to do something extremely stupid.

"Hey," says Drunken Member #1 (we'll call him Bob for now), "why don't we have a fourth seat?"

"What?" asks Drunken Member #2 (Rob, for the time being). "What'd ya say?"

"Why ain't we got a fourth seat?"

Rob ponders this. "Dunno... wasn't it something like Ayame- Ayusi-" He gives up briefly, before making another attempt. "That fifth seat guy - "

"Yumichika," Bob mutters, with some presence of mind.

"Yeah, him. He don't like even numbers. Sez they're ugly or summat." Rob nods sagely.

"So... So. That'd mean, like, fourth seat's free then, right?"

"I dunno," Rob mutters, sobering up somewhat. "You think you could beat Yumi?"

"Him?" Bob is suddenly also sober from the thought; Yumichika's fury is the stuff of legend, in particular the incident when someone had accidentally walked in on him one morning before he had straightened his hair. "Dunno. But if he doesn't want it, then it's up for grabs, right? Finders keeps. Best tradition of Eleventh and all." He brightens up. "So it's all good then."

"Yeah," Rob agrees.

"Yeah."

There is a brief pause.

"Still," Rob adds almost as an afterthought, "we should, y'know, check with Ikkaku. Just in case, right?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

Ikkaku Madarame is one of few people aware of the existence of the (then) small toddler that Yumichika brought back from a nostalgic visit to 79th District, courtesy of an above-average reiatsu signature. She had, at the time, been cute in the manner that all children are cute, and also the reason why there had been an above-average number of hollows visiting the district*. It had not, perhaps, been an instant 'and-then-I-fell-in-love' story, but Yumichika had insisted that something that cute should never be left behind in such a place. Since their objective was to do something about the source of reiatsu anyway, it wasn't as if there was any harm done. Nobody would miss her, at any rate...

Of course, she'd kept giggling at Yumichika's feathers and trying to put them on her own face, something that resulted in Ikkaku calling her Chibi-Yumi.

She had grown up considerably faster than Yachiru, and proved to be fast at picking things up. Fortunately, by the time the Academy fast-track graduated her and said she would do well in the Twelfth, the entire matter was out of the question.

Ikkaku had been mildly worried about her surviving in Eleventh, up until Zaraki Kenpachi decided it was time to reshuffle the seats, something that happened approximately once every ten years and resulted in a general bloodbath.** She was one of the few left standing. Yumichika had, as usual, insisted on having the fifth rather than an ugly even number, meaning that Yumi ended up being the fourth.

After that, she had more or less vanished, only turning up to participate in the necessary seat-reshuffle fights. He'd asked what the hell happened to her, and Yumichika had replied that she had, apparently, solved a considerable amount of the paperwork overload in the Eleventh Division in about two months flat. And considering some of that stuff had been there since the previous captain died, that was saying something. It was a given that Fourth Seat Does Paperwork, at least to the higher ranked members in the know.

And now there were two idiots standing in front of him, asking for Chibi-Yumi's seat.

_They're probably suicidal or somethin', _he thought as he stared at them, assessing them. Admittedly, he did think he'd seen the one on the right... what was his name again... had a shikai or something...

_What the hell,_ he decided, before accepting their request. _Yumi needs the fresh air anyway. That much paperwork ain't healthy._

* * *

Yumi blinks in the light, adjusting her glasses.

"What?"

Ikkaku looks distinctly uncomfortable in the vicinity of so much paperwork.

"Some douchebags challenged you for the fourth seat," he said bluntly, shuffling slightly from foot to foot.

"...oh. Is that all?"

"Is that a-" He sputtered, unbelieving. "They want your seat! What, you're gonna just _let_ them - "

"Does he look like he can work through this much paperwork?"

"No." Ikkaku was pretty sure that 12th Division would have difficulties with this much paperwork. Well, perhaps that was an exaggeration, but he was certain that there was nobody else who could do most of the paperwork for an entire division, _alone_.

"...fine, I'll go." She stood, an action that caused a surprising amount of the noise in the room to stop, before reaching to sheath her zanpakuto at her waist.

* * *

Bob stared at the shinigami in front of him. All in all, she was not particularly physically imposing, with a slight frame, dark brown hair and eyes, as well as a navy-rimmed pair of spectacles. On the whole, she seemed rather more suited to the Fourth, or perhaps the Sixth or Eighth divisions. Certainly not the Eleventh, however.

"You're the fourth seat?" he finally asked.

"Yes."

"That's stupid, there ain't any girls in Eleventh!" At this point, his brain kicked in at the sudden approaching presence of Zaraki Kenpachi, and he hastily corrected himself. "'part from Yachiru, but she don't count."

Yumi looked singularly unimpressed as other members of the division began to gather. This was Eleventh, after all. The entire place was practically _itching_ for a fight to break out.

"What the hell," he shouted, drawing his blade. He lashed out, striking at her. She parried with the scabbard, before retreating to draw her own zanpakuto.

"Normally it's courteous to wait until one's weapon is drawn." Yumi landed a cut upon Bob's cheek, blood sliding down the blade as she leapt backwards. He snarled, lashing out only to have his blow blocked by the flat of Yumi's blade again.

"Bludgeon, Oni Konbou!"

The sword twisted into a length of wood, gnarled and spiked. He swung it towards her, cracking the earth open as she dodged out of the way.

"Let's see you block _this,_ then." A second blow impacted with her left arm, causing a sickening crunch as Yumi grimaced in pain.

He grinned victoriously, feeling certain of his victory.

Yumi raised her gaze up to meet her opponent, before lowering her zanpakuto to her own arm. "Draw, Ketsuekiraitaa."

The blade contracted, turning into a small black-barrelled fountain pen.

"_That's_ your shikai?" Bob broke down laughing at the undersized manifestation of Yumi's power, before hefting his cudgel for a finishing blow.

She ignored him, instead lowering the pen's nib to her open wounds. The barrel gradually reddened as the zanpakuto apparently sucked up her blood, growing in size as it did so until it was finally a good metre in length.

Yumi seemed pale, but remained standing. "Shed, Ketsuekiraitaa."

"Tch. Some weakass shikai isn't going to help you here." He brought Oni Konbou down towards her, only to have her evade the blow. Sheets of paper fluttered downwards from the cap of the giant pen as she moved, covering the ground with white and blocking his vision before they finished falling.

He cursed. A kido-type zanpakuto in the Eleventh Division? It was ridiculous, not to mention the fact that it was a wussy one that didn't do much except make it easier to dodge -

There was a sudden spike of pain in his stomach, and he looked down to see the metal nib of the pen buried in his torso. Yumi's eyes seemed tinged with crimson now, a hint of bloodlust visible within them as she removed the weapon.

Blood spattered upon the pristine white of the paper as she raised Ketsuekiraitaa to point it at him.

"Senkatto no Shi."

The red stains spread from where his blood had dripped onto the paper, staining all of them a deep crimson as they rose into the air. He swung his zanpakuto in the hopes of fending them off, but the crushing force of his Oni Konbou did little against the evasive sheets.

They rose up in a whirlwind, contracting about his form and slicing anything of him they could find, biting deep into his flesh. Blood soaked into the paper once more, as the sheets leached the strength from his body along with the fluid.

There was a hushed silence as the blood-stained paper settled once more, to reveal an unconscious Bob. Yumi was still standing, leaning on her zanpakuto as a prop.

"Anyone else?"

* * *

*Not that the hollows particularly affected the normal life of the district. The only minor change was that there were slightly more things for the inhabitants to beat up.

**It was also considered a rite of passage in the Fourth division, strangely enough. The logic went that if you were tough enough to tend to a considerable number of beserkers from the Eleventh, _all at once,_ then you were probably about ready for a seat in the medical division.

Oni Konbou - Demon Cudgel. Physical-type shikai, nothing particularly fancy other than crushing power.

Ketsuekiraitaa - Blood Writer. Kido-type shikai. Requires the wielder's blood in order to activate its full shikai abilities. After feeding on the wielder's blood, it is capable of producing many sheets of paper (or, alternatively, many smaller copies of itself which may be controlled as projectile weapons... or standard pens). These sheets of paper may be remotely controlled to some extent. In order to use Senkatto no Shi (Death of a Thousand Cuts), the pen must first take up the blood of the opponent in order to be capable of targeting the enemy with effectivity. The sheets will cut into the flesh of the enemy deeply, siphoning his or her blood and healing Ketsuekiraitaa's wielder somewhat. Use of Ketsuekiraitaa in this manner will cause bloodlust if used for an extensive period of time. This ability is ineffective if the opponent has extreme hierro or similar.


	9. Oh God Not Another Insane Dream Sequence

**Oh God Not Another Insane Dream Sequence**

**Pairing:** Onesided Chizuru/Uryuu, onesided Shiro/Uryuu

**Warning: **Mental trauma, genderbendery, general insanity and filler-ness. It's practically canon! Apart from the genderbendery.

**A/N: **...I write this kind of thing waaaaay too often. Exam tomorrow, too. o.e

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki woke up. This was relatively normal.

What was not, however, was the fact that he appeared to be lying on hard stone and staring up at the sky.

"Oh, god," he groaned. "Not another insane dream sequence."

Apparently he was lying on the parapet of a tower, which appeared to be part of a very large castle. There was an envelope lying next to him, too. Deciding not to question the flow of things after the last few times this sort of thing had happened, he slid his finger under the flap, breaking the wax seal and pulling out the letter inside. It didn't seem to be written on paper, which seemed rather strange.

_Dear Ichigo:_

_Your princess is in another castle. With me. She's very sexy, but don't worry about it, it's not like she likes you anyway. The hime is MINE! And don't bother coming for her._

_Have a nice day~_

He groaned.

There was not a single scrap of information regarding the Snow Crystal or anything that might vaguely resemble a way to get out. Except, of course, the thing about the princess, which was the best bet that he had of getting anywhere.

Ichigo wandered around the castle aimlessly for a little while, and discovered that the entire place was void of life. There were no other people around, although there was a large dining hall, kitchen (complete with still-burning wood oven, it seemed), bedchambers and… ahm… shall we say garderobes, which were little more than glorified holes in the floor.

He glowered at the irritating letter in his hands, before turning it over.

_Wait, there's a map on the other side?_

It took a little while for Ichigo to find the exit to the castle, but to be perfectly fair to him, it _was an extremely large place. _Eventually, he stumbled across the only other form of life he'd seen in the entire place, in the stables.

It was a horse.

A white horse, to be precise. _Actual _white, as opposed to the 'oh there's no such thing as a white horse it's just off-grey' horse that was rather more common.

Ichigo stared at it.

It opened one black-gold eye to glare at him.

_"…oh god it's you."_

The very familiar voice of his hollow counterpart was audible.

_"Wait, what the fuck? I'm… in the real world… with a body of my own? YES! Wait, how come I have four legs? How the hell am I supposed to pick up chicks now?"_

The corner of Ichigo's eye twitched.

"What the hell are _you _doing out here?"

_"Hell if I know,"_ the Horse replied, glaring at Ichigo balefully._"All I know was goin' to sleep with Zangetsu standin' on his pole again, then bam! I wake up here."_

"You're not the only one…" he muttered, half-dazed. _What the hell? Normally nobody else remembers the normal world…_ "You don't know anything about the Snow Crystal, right?"

_"The hell is a Snow Crystal? Actually… come to think of it, girls like ponies and shit, right?"_

"Uh." His mind flickered back to the time when Yuzu had been pleading for a pet. "I think so?"

_"Great." _The Horse leered, insofar as it is possible for a horse to leer_. __"Hot babes, here we come."_

"…what?"

The Horse sighed. _"You're such a douche, King. You have chicks practically throwing themselves at you and you do nothing? I'm gonna damn well take advantage, even if you won't. Screw you! I don't need you now I've got my own body~"_

"…you do realise that you're a horse."

_"…fuck you, King. And not literally, that would be seriously disgusting. Even for me."_

Ichigo winced at the mental images. "Anyway, we need to wake up."

_"No we don't."_ The Horse was glaring at him.

He stared. "What?"

_"I have my own body, the rest of the world can go to hell for all I care."_

"And if there's nothing for you to do with it? Besides, you're still a horse. It's not like –"

_"Fine. I help you. But I get control of the body when we get back."_

"What? No way! I saw what you tried last time with Byakuya!"

The Horse sighed. _"The guy was being a prick, not to mention he was tryin' to KILL us, King. Control of the body. I want a turn. One day at least. Oh, and you really need to get laid."_

Ichigo spluttered. "I'm seriously not – "

_"Deal or no deal?"_

"…fine," he replied abruptly, before pointing an accusing finger. "But you better not do anything bad in my body, okay?" _I can't believe I'm even doing this!_

_"Oh, don't worry, King~" _he sang happily with a shit-eating grin on his face.

_…why am I incredibly worried…_

* * *

_"…remind me, why the hell are we doin' this anyway?"_

"Because," Ichigo replied, gritting his teeth as the Horse kept running, "it's the best chance we have of finding a way to wake up." There was one fact that was omitted in Western movies and so on, and that one fact was that riding a horse in real life was a pain in the ass. Quite literally so, in fact, not to mention the fact that said horse was, in fact, a hollow, capable of speaking and (apparently) a major pervert.

But on the plus side, he was_ extremely fast._

The pace slowed down enough for the blurred scenery to finally coalesce into a tower in the middle of a forest.

_"Who the hell makes a road this damn long anyway?"_

"No idea… but then, who said dreams had to make _sense?_" Ichigo muttered as he slid off.

_"Hey! That hurt, bastard! Don't kick me for no good reason!"_

"Yeah, yeah, as if you didn't try to stab me how many times now?" He looked up, ignoring the disgruntled rambling of his no-longer-quite-so-inner hollow.

It was, he thought, a very _tall _tower. He couldn't see the top of it, for starters, and it seemed to reach all the way up into the cloud layer, although that might have just been him. And then there was something dark down the side.

Hair.

A _lot _of hair.

_Your princess is in another castle… wait, that message was talking about Rukia? The colour's about right… it's way too dark to be Inoue's._

He picked up the end of it. It was surprisingly soft and silky, considering it was easily over a hundred metres long…

_"That must be a nightmare to wash," _commented the Horse, who had wandered over for a closer look as Ichigo stared upwards again.

_…I guess I really don't have much choice here…_

There was a snickering noise from behind as Ichigo started climbing.

_Ignore him…_

He lost track of the number of times he almost slipped and fell in the end, just about managing to grab hold of the edge of the window before he lost his grip.

The room at the top of the tower was, apparently, a bedchamber. There was what appeared to be a rather elaborate pulley system that the hair was suspended from. The tresses reached all the way over to a four-poster bed, where their owner was apparently sleeping for the time being.

_…what the hell?_

He moved over to the figure lying on the bed anyway, paying a brief glance to the elaborate dress resting on the mannequin before shifting his gaze back to the person on the bed.

Ichigo wondered what exactly he would have to do to get Rukia out of the tower. She didn't seem to be awake, at any rate, and besides knowing Rukia she might well not want to come with him anyway. That letter seemed like something Hat 'n' Clogs would write, at any rate. Maybe she was under some kind of kido or he had to do something to get her to wake up –

A memory of a fairy tale cheerfully reminded him of its existence.

Ichigo cringed from it. He was pretty sure that Dream-Rukia or not, attempting to kiss her would quite _definitely_ result in being beaten up. No, that would be a… last resort. Or something.

He decided to go for the obvious approach.

"Uh… are you awake?" he asked, somewhat tentatively.

_Great way to start off…_

The figure on the bed rolled over. Sapphire eyes gazed blearily up at him.

"Oh god it's _you," _Uryuu muttered dully before rolling over again, face into the pillow.

_What…_

"Go away and let me wake up by myself. You're just a figment of my imagination," came Ishida's voice, muffled somewhat by the pillow.

He was pretty sure the slightly higher pitch to it wasn't just him.

"…Ishida?"

"Yes?"

"…what the hell?" Ichigo managed, spluttering. "What're you – " He gesticulated, trying to find accurate words for the sheer apparent _wrongness_ of the whole situation. "Why are you here?"

"Obviously I'm dreaming. When I wake up everything will be back to normal, and any unfortunate… ah… effects will have never occurred outside my mind in the first place. You simply exist as a figment of my imagination, nothing more. So _go away."_

Ishida disappeared under the duvet, save for the hair.

"..." Ichigo stared silently at the Quincy, wondering what the hell was wrong with the world. _This _Ishida certainly acted nothing like the others he'd encountered in his dreams before.

"…you know anything about the Snow Crystal?"

"No." The tone of voice implied that no further questioning was desired.

"Damn. I thought you might know something so I could get back."

"…get back?" Now there was some mild curiosity in Uryuu's voice.

"…something like this kinda happened before." He coughed, shifting uncomfortably. "Except all the other times, you knew something about the Snow Crystal and whenever I found it I always woke up…"

"…do you have any idea how stupid that sounds, Kurosaki?"

"Hey!" he growled, glaring at the lump under the duvet. "It worked the last few times!"

"…last times? How many times has something like this happened?" There was a suspicious tone to Ishida's voice now.

"Twice. Except you didn't act like this at all."

There was silence.

"Ishida. Get _up."_

"Maybe if I fall asleep here I'll wake up for rea-"

"I already tried that the first time." Ichigo finally lost patience and yanked off the duvet.

"_Kurosaki!"_

And now he had a wide-awake and extremely pissed-off Quincy on his hands, resplendent in nightdress –

_Wait, go back to that thought. Nightdress?_

Ichigo took advantage of the opportunity to actually pay attention to Ishida.

Nope, it wasn't just his imagination. There was a definite curve to the Quincy's body right now, revealed thanks to the light fabric of the nightdress.

Uryuu grabbed the blanket while Ichigo was distracted, cheeks burning from embarrassment as she wrapped it around her body.

"You're – " Ichigo tried to come up with sufficient words to describe the other's current status.

"Yes. I _know._" Ishida snatched up the glasses, putting them in their rightful place whilst still trying to avoid his gaze. "Honestly, do you really think I'm quite so dense as to fail to notice the differences in – " She faltered slightly, flushing. " - in anatomy? Besides, did you even have to use my hair as a ladder? That _hurt._"

"How else was I supposed to get up here_?_! It wasn't as if there was a door or something to come up - "

The expression on Ishida's face had a lot to say about idiots. "Have you ever heard of, oh, I don't know, shunpo?"

"I - " Ichigo began, before stopping. "Shut up."

"Even more eloquent than your normal self, Kurosaki." Ishida scowled at him.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he muttered, abashed, just as she winced. "What?"

"Would you do me the minor favour of giving me a haircut, in that case?"

"...you're actually concerned about your _hair_ at a time like this?" he asked, disbelieving.

Ishida gave him a scathing look. "I can't go anywhere with it this long. Quickly, please."

"It's not like there're scissors around or anything," he grumbled, annoyed. "What do you want me to use, Zangetsu?"

"Yes, please." Ichigo noticed the somewhat nervous expression on her face now. "Preferably some time in the next five minutes."

"You actually... want me to use Zangetsu to cut your hair."

"Yes, now just do it, Kurosaki, okay_?_!" Ishida replied, somewhat hysterically now.

Ichigo retrieved the blade from his back, swinging it down, only to be met with a considerable amount of resistance.

"What the hell are you trying to do?_!_"

_Crap, it's not sharp enough!_

"Bankai: Tensa Zangetsu!"

The massive cleaver contracted, taking the form of the long nodachi as his bankai coat began to materialize.

"Ichigo, would you please-"

"HIIIII-" A female voice could now be heard from outside.

"GETSUGA TENSHOU!"

Half the tower exploded.

There was a rapidly receding scream as the dust began to clear. Ichigo coughed, wiping his face.

"Don't you think," Ishida commented in a slightly strained voice, "that might have been overkill?"

He glowered at the Quincy. "You asked to do it _fast._" The tower was still standing, although part of it had been sheared off by the force of Ichigo's concentrated Getsuga. "Who was that, anyway?"

Uryuu avoided his gaze. "It doesn't matter."

"Seriously - "

"Could you please look away while I... ah... put some proper clothing on?"

Ichigo sputtered, before obliging, staring out at the clouds instead.

"Done."

He turned round.

"...what the hell are you wearing?"

"Shut up. There wasn't much choice."

"...it looks like the kind of thing you'd make, actually."

Ishida's cheeks were a deep crimson as a blue reishi platform formed beneath her feet. "Did you have to pull on my hair so much when you were coming up, by the way? Never mind," she muttered as he opened his mouth to retort. "Just get on," Ishida sighed, adjusting the powder-blue skirt slightly.

"Wait... since when have you been able to do this?" Ichigo asked suspiciously.

"A while. Why?"

"So technically," he said with a dawning realisation, "I _didn't _have to do all that shit with the crappy path -"

"I thought your reiatsu control could use the practise," she commented dryly.

"Hey!"

"Just get on already."

* * *

The Horse was waiting for them at the base of the tower.

"Is that-" Ishida began, staring.

"Try not to think about it too much," Ichigo advised, as the not-quite-so-inner-hollow wolf-whistled openly. Uryuu twitched.

"Nooooooooo!"

Suddenly, a black blur leapt out of the forest towards the Quincy, before latching on.

"I won't let you be corrupted by manly _men!_" Chizuru Honsho declared, lifting up a broomstick in one hand whilst simultaneously shifting her other down to Ishida's corset.

_Grope._

The expression on Ishida's face was a kind of dazed look, Ichigo thought with a detached air.

"I will protect my precious princess from the forces of-" and then she was cut off by a kick.

"_Oh hell no! The princess is MINE, dammit!"_

Uryuu twitched.

"No, my precious _hime_ definitely loves me better!" The broomstick was dropped in favour of getting a slightly better grope, just as Uryuu finally regained sense and drove an elbow into Chizuru's face.

"Get on!" Ichigo yelled, mounting the Horse as it started at a gallop towards the witch and Quincy.

"How the hell am I supposed to-"

He reached out, grabbing her before swinging her over and onto the Horse's back.

_...oh dear god... please let me wake up soon._


	10. As The Bow

**As The Bow**

**Pairing:** None.

**Warning: **None in particular.

**A/N: **Semi-serious, semi-humorous. More lighthearted than Hougyoku, to be sure. At any rate, this is inspired by Ichigo's little bit of evilness during Uryuu Ishida's temporary acid-trip somewhere in the Zanpakuto Spirits arc (edit: I was wrong, the episode in question is the Shinigami Illustrated Whatever for episode 250 of the anime). More of a what-if. I doubt that this will ever be canon. And no, you're not hallucinating. I _did_ update twice in the same week. Other stuff will be updated. This is all I can fit in for the time being since my exams...

...well, my exams... I'm probably going to fail. BUT WE WILL GO DOWN WITH HONOUR! D8

* * *

I glower up at the sky in a bed of flowers.

My existence sucks.

Not only do I have a wielder who does not even know I _exist,_ but it's really boring in here. There are some things to be said about a meadow of flowers, but regrettably, being almost constantly rained upon is not one of them. Of course, there is a forest somewhere else on this floating island in the sky, but I really can't be bothered to go there right now. Not to mention caves... but then I really, _really_ hate being forced to leave the open sky.

I should probably just permanently hide in a cave or something. It's not as if my wielder is going to come here any time soon... and wet clothing sucks.

It's lonely.

Oh, Zangetsu comes round every now and then. Come to think of hit, so does his younger counterpart, Tensa Zangetsu, and that hollow who comes at the same time. I tried to name him, actually. Apparently 'Shiro' and 'Hichigo' were just too unoriginal for him. He doesn't like me much, although that might have something to do with the dress I tried to get him to wear once.

...What? It looked _good_ on him!

They still come over, though. Something about no trees and kittens, I suppose... although the seemingly perpetual downpour does tend to dampen the mood of any gathering.

I visited Ichigo Kurosaki's mindscape once or twice, actually. I'm curious as to what exactly happened in order to leave gravity rotated at 90 degrees to the normal, leaving the majority of his inner world (and, thus, his powers) inaccessible, but it's impolite to ask that kind of question. It's doubtful that Zangetsu or Tensa Zangetsu will ever bring up the topic, at any rate. The sky there is mostly blue with a few clouds, and the entirety of the accessible part of his mind is made up of skyscrapers... I suppose it suits Zangetsu since he seems to have a thing for standing on poles. I've never found out why.

On the plus side, though, his inner world is mainly dry and constituted of open sky.

Plus that substitute shinigami looks kinda cute... although admittedly the same could be said of my current wielder...

...Maybe I should just leave Uryuu Ishida in favour of Ichigo Kurosaki or something.

_Hmmm... but then, I'm not _that _unfaithful. Although if I have to stand another year of getting soaked, I might rethink that decision._

Then there is the familiar sensation of my wielder drawing on my powers, and I stand up as the downpour eases off somewhat. Another day, and another opponent.

He needs me, even if he doesn't know it. He calls on me, even if he doesn't call my name. He doesn't have my full power, either... but perhaps...

_One day... one day._

* * *

**_Wait, you're a girl?_**

...your point being? You're a hollow.

**_Yeah, but... this... this explains.._. everything_._**


	11. As The Blade

**As The Blade**

**Pairing:** None.

**Warning: **Spoilers for the end of the 'Fake Karakura Town' arc.

**A/N:** This is part-postulation of what may happen to Uryuu Ishida, due to my somewhat twisted logic...

It starts from these three points:

'Hougyoku', an 'artifact', has sentience of its own and powerful reiatsu; therefore it is entirely possible that 'Oken', also an 'artifact' with the power of 100,000 souls, has sentience of its own. If it were merely intended as a key to be thrown away once the lock exists, for what reasons would it possibly be left alone rather than destroyed? Such a thing could also, potentially, be a weapon of a kind. The fact that there has been interaction between the Royal Guard (said to lie in Heaven) and Seireitei in the Gaiden arc signifies that it isn't quite lost yet, either.

Quincy draw in reiatsu from their surroundings to fight, and this reiatsu has to come from somewhere - that of the hollows they destroy... but since they do not purify hollow souls, the taint from the reiatsu is not removed, instead being drawn into the body as it is used... Ryuuken doesn't use his Quincy abilities and attempts to discourage Uryuu from doing so for a _very_ good set of reasons, I think.

Finally, murder is seen as a sin sufficient to be punishable by Hell. Ergo, since there are sins worse than murder, since a murder victim may still reincarnate. Those are also punishable by Hell, if not worse... Oh, and how many souls make up a Gillian again?

_I quite like Uryuu Ishida as a character_. However, by Tite Kubo's own set of vaguely-stated rules about Hell and sin and so forth, the third point will probably apply.  
In other words... he is likely to be royally screwed at some point in the foreseeable future when he dies. Or maybe Kubo just won't write that bit. Who knows. :U

* * *

It's been a while since Kurosaki lost his shinigami powers... I haven't seen him for a while.

He's been on my mind somewhat. I wondered precisely _how_ he managed to lose his abilities. At first I thought that this would be Kurosaki; he would spring back, regain his powers, become his old self again, argue with me in his own personal way, permanent frown even deeper than normal and nose-to-nose as he insults my sewing abilities. Anything other than apathy and that ridiculous smile I last saw him with two years ago. Maybe he left school early and went to college or something...

The gentle refrains of classical music enter my ears as I finish with the sewing job. University fees don't pay themselves, unfortunately. The owner of the shop gives me a smile as I leave for the day, shouldering my bag properly to get more comfortable -

- a horn -

And what happens next, happens extremely fast.

I turn just in time to see the pale face of the driver whose car runs into me, tossing me like a ragdoll off the road.

_...shit, I'm dead. __Being hit by a car seems a ridiculously mundane way to die -_

The chain from my chest is short, half-corroded away already. As my gaze slides down to it, I feel a tearing sensation in my chest as it eats away at itself before the world goes black with pain.

_Need Kurosaki need Kurosaki need Kurosaki need Kurosaki -_

The pain stops, and suddenly there is a sword embedded in my stomach once more as the decay falls apart from my body, the forming fragments of mask and pale bone-like armour shattering on the ground.

I am human in soul and mind once more as the shinigami's blade is withdrawn from my fallen body, and this is my judgement for what I have done in my life. A pair of gates materialize before me, emblazoned with skeletal guardians as they swing open, revealing darkness within.

_I... the sins one has performed in life... the destruction of souls..._

Smaller, pale-helmed versions of the creatures on the gates step forth as the Living World spins on, apparently unaware. A great force drags me forth towards my fate -

- before a hand grabs my collar, a white blindfold is roughly tied over my eyes, and I am dragged through an entirely different door instead.

* * *

"What did you just do? Who are you? Why did you save me?" Being slung over Kurosaki's shoulder is not particularly comfortable, particularly whilst he's running.

"Shut up. I'm not meant to do this as it is, but since things screwed up with the original blessing Kami was meant to hand out to the Quincy anyway - "

"_Kurosaki?_!" _What's he doing here? What did he do? Besides... what did he mean, 'blessing'?_

"Initially it was meant to be the kind of thing to help humans when shinigami weren't around, but turns out the soul composition is different depending on if the soul is attached to a living body or not -"

"Why did you blindfold me?"

"Because nobody's meant to see the inside of the Oumon... except me. Look, I know you've got a lot of questions, but we don't have time right now. I brought you through the Oumon*, which... uh... isn't really something I should've done, but still. It was that or damnation, and I'm not gonna let you go without a fight at least. Besides... I have some weight with Kami, after all. Oh, and by the way... don't freak if your body... uh... changes or something. Souls don't usually look like the living bodies they used to inhabit - look at Yachiru, for example, no way she had candy pink hair in life -"

I interrupt his rambling. "You found the Ouken?"

"...not... exactly."

"Then what?"

"...well... it's more like I _remembered..._" There's a slight cough as Kurosaki adjusts his grip on me. "I'm Ouken. Sort of. It's... complicated."

"_Wha-?_!" He stops suddenly.

"Ah... you're here." There's a high-pitched voice. It's hard to tell whether male or female. No reiatsu I can sense, either; but then, I can't perceive Kurosaki's either, for that matter.

I slide unceremoniously to the floor.

"...can I take the blindfold off now?"

"No. Don't. Seriously, don't." There is a tone of urgency in his voice now. I leave it in its current position, curious as to what manner of person lies before me that I must not, under any circumstances, see. Evidently we must be out of the Oumon, since he mentioned that people were not meant to perceive it. Either that or this person was one who had permission, like him, to be there. _Is it possible for there to be more than one Ouken? Or is -_

"This is the person you went so far for?" The childish-sounding person seems amused.

"Yes."

"You still hold ties to your mortal lives when you reincarnate, then."

"You made me that way, after all."

Then it clicks.

_...I am standing in front of Kami._

The question on my tongue dies.

"What's your name?"

"Uryuu Ishida." I don't move. Just in case something worse is about to happen. I have no idea whether they reserve special judgements for people who destroy a set count of souls, like a super-special prize you get for completing an achievement on a game. Except obviously very, very bad, not good, and I have no idea where that metaphor came from at this time.

"And you vouch for him, do you?"

"Yes." There's something of a defensive tone in Kurosaki's voice now.

"Do you want me to tell you the precise number of souls he's destroyed through the course of his lifetime? Do you wish to know the total quantity of sin that adds up to?"

I shut my eyes under the blindfold. _I'm screwed._

There is silence, before Kami speaks again.

"That sin cannot be wiped clean so easily. I am aware of what happened several centuries ago... but nonetheless, he was aware of the consequences of his actions. He will be judged fittingly. Take the blindfold off."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Kurosaki's fingers fiddle with the back of the blindfold, untying it and permitting it to fall to the ground as I stand.

The room is not, all in all, a particularly impressive one. It is... white. Very white. There is no visible trace of Kami, though. _Perhaps he merely has a voice but no physical form?_

"Down here."

I stare downwards at a small, fluffy white rabbit, staring up at me with dark eyes.

"Whatever you do," Kurosaki says with a slight tinge of desperation, "_don't tell anyone._ Do you have any _idea_ how much trouble I'd get in if Rukia found out that Kami looks like a rabbit?"

_Oh yes... she is... rather Chappy-obsessed, isn't she._

The rabbit gives Kurosaki a reproachful look. "She's just spreading the word of Kami around a little. There's nothing wrong with that, right?"

"My reputation, though..." he mutters, looking depressed.

_...it isn't as if anyone would believe me anyway..._

The rabbit coughs lightly, before floating upwards to eye level. "Nonetheless... to business." The room suddenly darkens, and an aura of impending doom washes over me.

"Uryuu Ishida. You have been charged with the destruction of some millions of souls. Though the Quincy powers were never intended to be capable of destruction, you took part in such a thing with full knowledge of what would occur to the souls you fought with your abilities." The ominous reiatsu yields a little. "However, you did so for reasons of protection, which, whilst somewhat misguided, were benevolent in intention... Nonetheless, such a sin is not something minor that can be simply wiped clean in the Tamashiino Umi**, nor is it an ordinary sin that may be purged in Hell."

"As a result, your sentence is to purify such a number of souls that exceeds the number of souls which have been destroyed by yourself. You will be granted such power as is necessary to complete such a task, and you will do so with your friend who has vouched for you, the entity currently known to you as Ichigo Kurosaki." An invisible gavel sounds, a declaration of the punishment.

"Wait," I begin, "you mean you're going to make me a _shini-_"

* * *

There was a clatter.

Ichigo picked up the pristine sheathed blade lying on the floor, before running his fingers across the unusual five-pointed star design for the hilt.

"What?"

He turned to look at the small rabbit.

"I doubt Ishida liked being cut off mid-question."

The rabbit shrugged, insofar as it is possible for a rabbit to shrug. "He'll find out soon enough. Besides, it's not like any rules have been _broken..._ just bent a little. But please... don't ask me to make exceptions like this all the time, Ichigo."

"Pffft. It isn't as if I've been around to ask you for any favours recently," he muttered, before straightening up. "Was there anything else?"

"Not really, no. You'd probably better get started; it's going to take you a long time to make up that number," Kami advised.

There was a slight smirk on Ichigo's face as he turned to leave. "Will do."

* * *

"_**Hey, Zangetsu! Apparently King listened, he put a hot chick in here as well!"**_

* * *

*King's Gate

**Sea of Souls


	12. Soon I Will Be Invincible Part 1

**Soon I Will Be Invincible pt. 1**

**Pairing:** None.

**Warning: **This is... cracky, to say the least. I had to make up for the serious chapters somehow D;

**A/N:** In which Ichigo gets tired of being the good guy, and decides to be the bad guy. This does not come naturally to him.

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki scowled after downing the umpteenth hollow that week. Sure, he was a resident of Karakura Town, but he had a _life_ as well. Apparently Seireitei had decided to just dump the workload on his lap, though... _Come to think of it, they have a habit of doing that a lot._

He glowered at the sky, sole witness to his epiphany.

"Screw this. I'm not gonna be the good guy any longer!"

And with this, he walked off.

(The effect of his speech was somewhat diminished by the fact that he later beheaded a hollow that was attacking a screaming Plus girl whilst on his way home.)

* * *

"Oi, Ishida."

"What?"

"Screw you. I'm going evil."

"...how... terribly uncreative."

"Shut up! I've had enough of working on the other side, Seireitei seems to think I can do all their work for them, the next thing I know they'll end up promoting me to captain or something just so I can do their paperwork as well!"

"In that case, I'll join you."

"_What?_!"

"Well, I never particularly had much in common with Seireitei in the first place, and you'd probably get yourself killed if I left you on your own."

"Hey! I resent that!"

"...it is true, though. Maybe Yasutora-san would like to join us as well?"

"Hmmm."

"Very well then. I will design outfits to go with our new personas, and obviously we all need to choose villain names and decide on a group name as well-"

"Wait, what?"

"You can't just go out declaring who you really are in your normal clothes. You'd get caught straight away."

"Hmmm."

"Chad, you too?..."

* * *

The first villainous deed did not go quite as planned.

"_Are we good to go?_"

Ichigo scowled. For some reason the Quincy had seen fit to embellish his ordinary shinigami uniform, but for the time being he had been supplied with what seemed to be a ninja mask and uniform instead. He was not happy about this, partly due to the fact that the ninja uniform also had a swooshy black cape that, according to Ishida, would enable him to fly and grant numerous other powers. Ichigo had politely pointed out that he could use shunpo, rendering the cape entirely unnecessary, which had caused Ishida to adjust his glasses and declare that that wasn't the _point_ and besides, if people thought it was the cape that was letting him fly, they wouldn't suspect he was using shunpo.

Ichigo vaguely wondered if the Quincy was just bullshitting him with regards to the cape's abilities. He considered numerous methods of being able to test this out, one of them involving shoving the other off a cliff with the cape... _but then, Ishida has Hirenkyaku... I'd probably just get shot._

_Wouldn't it have been kinda helpful for him to tell me how to use it?_

"Yes," he muttered, voice being picked up by the in-built microphone in the mask.

"_Then make a move, Beserk._"

Ichigo twitched at the name. They would be having _words_ about the choice of alternate personas.

"Fine then, four-eyes," he replied, smirking slightly.

"_I told you! It's 'Dramatic Archer'! Do I need to have to -_"

He cut off the commlink for the time being.

Apparently Uryuu Ishida had seen to test his villainous abilities by having him rob a bank. This seriously grated against Ichigo's natural tendencies, not to mention the fact he felt kinda guilty about the entire matter of stealing people's money. Destroying the world was one thing, but taking other people's means of living just felt _wrong._

**_...ya know there's somethin' seriously messed up about that, aibou._**

He ignored the voice of his inner hollow.

_Right... how does it go..._

Ichigo drew Zangetsu dramatically. Ishida had somehow managed to get a device for temporarily sealing zanpakuto and used it on Zangetsu, something that was causing him to sulk in a corner for the time being.

_Oh well. At least it'll be less... distinctive._

He kicked the door open, before strolling into the bank.

"This is a stick-up. Pass me the money and nobody gets hurt."

One or two people glanced at him, before turning back to their business -

- _wait, what?_

Somewhere inside his head, the hollow started laughing his ass off.

_...wait, they can't see me. I'm in shinigami form right now._

Ichigo sidled over to the staff door, slipping inside when someone came out.

_Right, now I need to find the safe..._

* * *

**THIS SAFE IS TIME-LOCKED. NONE OF OUR STAFF MEMBERS HAVE INSTANTANEOUS ACCESS TO THE SAFE.**

_You've gotta be shitting me..._

**_Screw this, I'm bored. I ain't hangin' around waitin' for someone to open the damn thing._**

* * *

Ichigo twitched. It had been two hours and nobody had actually opened the main safe, instead using the cash drawers at the counters. Not to mention his hollow was bored and trying his best to be as annoying as possible.

**_Blow it! Blow it! Blow it!_**

_...shut up already. I told you. We're not blasting the damn thing open. Too conspicuous._

**_Aibouuuu... you're so boooriiiing..._**

Ichigo turned to the safe, finally having given up on waiting for someone to use it.

_...how do you crack a safe? Ishida would probably know... nope, definitely not asking him._

**_Blow it! Blow it! Blow it! Blow i-_**

Ichigo ripped the seal off his zanpakuto, releasing Zangetsu into its ordinary shikai form.

"GETSUGA TENSHO!"

A massive electric-blue wave of energy left his sword, ripping into the safe, going straight through it and making a hole in the wall behind whilst obliterating the contents of the safe at the same time.

_...shit. Ishida's going to be pissed._

Alarms went off as Ichigo hastily stuck the seal back onto Zangetsu again, returning it to its previous katana form. He used a brief burst of shunpo to get out of the bank in time before people started coming to see what had happened.

* * *

Rukia Kuchiki and Renji Abarai arrived at the scene shortly after, 12th Division having dispatched them to investigate a mysterious reiatsu pulse.

"What happened here?"

"Beats me..."

* * *

_MYSTERIOUS BANK JOB OBLITERATES HALF OF WALL: PERPETRATORS UNKNOWN!_

* * *

**[MISSION 1: FAIL]**


	13. Inoue Special

**A/N: **I was bored. Boredom plus internet access equals drabbles, generally. Dengue fever aftermath plus boredom plus internet access equals insane drabbles.

* * *

_In the mysterious palace of Les Nachos, a great horror awaits... greater than stale jalapeno peppers, than mouldy salsa, than soggy chips - nay, worse than all of these, I say -_

_Oh, wait. That was a typo._

* * *

In the palace of Las Noches waits a single human girl from the Living World. Currently, she is a prisoner under the care of the Cuarta.

She is also somewhat bored of waiting to rescue, and formulates secret-agent plans to escape that James Bond would be proud of.

Just as she is putting the finishing touches to her plot, and gets up to start tying together sheets in the traditional manner - _using Tsubaki to cut the bars,_ she thinks, _can wait until last, or someone might notice their absence_ - her jailor opens the door.

Ulquiorra's face is expressionless as always, dark tear tracks running down from his eyes.

"Woman," he says. "Aizen-sama has use of you."

Orihime stands, straight-backed. She will not cow before any monstrous hollow or pale-faced arrancar. She will keep her nerve.

"Very well," she replies, and follows him docilely. For the moment.

(Plan G - springing a surprise attack on Ulquiorra, then convincing him to defect by using her womanly wiles - can wait. At least for the moment.)

* * *

(On the journey, she wonders whether perhaps, if she takes Ulquiorra out into the sunlight, he might sparkle. He's pale enough to be a vampire - does he get enough vitamin D? What do arrancar need to survive? Obviously, lower hollows might require eating souls, but possibly arrancar evolve beyond that. And where would the food go, or did it just leak out through the hole in his neck and did he need a special pipe put in so it didn't come out-)

He swings open the door, and the thoughts come abruptly to a halt as she is faced with a kitchen.

"Woman. Aizen-sama has declared that you cook for the time being. Hogyokou is resting for the time being. Do not entertain any thoughts of escape; I will be waiting outside, should you attempt to leave."

Orihime nods demurely, concealing the exuberant thoughts in her head. They had strawberry jelly, probably, and sprinkles and smoked fish and Spam and kimchi if she was lucky, so now she could try out _all her new recipes _and plan R _-_

* * *

("Are you honestly trying to tell me," Yamamoto began with disbelief, "that the cause of death of _every single person _in Las Noches, with the exception of the Octava Espada, was _food poisoning?_"

"Apparently the girl served what was referred to as an Inoue Special. The Quincy brat seemed to be aware of what that meant; apparently her cooking is somewhere on par with that of Rangiku Matsumoto. I managed to obtain a sample of the food she prepared, actually. The combination causes sensory overload."

"And what, precisely, happened to the Octava?"

"...I acquired him for, shall we say... research purposes. I'm sure the results will be quite _fascinating-_")

* * *

Szayel Apporo Granz was not, currently, very happy, and was languishing on a dissection table, insofar as such a thing was possible. 'Splayed out' would probably have been a better word, were it not for the fact that he never _splayed._ Splaying was for inferior specimens, not himself. He was a scientist, and more importantly, he was perfection. Perfection simply did not _do_ such ungraceful positioning.

(Although he was really starting to rethink the whole 'perfection' thing.)

Regrettably, he was starting to wish he hadn't suddenly felt the urge to identify the components of the Inoue Special... although he wasn't entirely sure that would have been a better death. Probably less protracted, at any rate.

"Now if we could just redo that test, but with hyaluronic acid bathing the wound instead of acetic acid - "

It took a considerable quantity of self-control not to scream...


	14. Photograph

**A/N: **No I'm not dead.

Unfortunately, due to events that were sort of within my control (failing a university exam) my laptop is now restricted by my parents, hence the absence of updates on any of my stories recently. _I am still writing. _It's on paper right now, though, and I have been trying to find time to type the whole thing up to upload it on the website in between doing reassessment. I hope this goes some way to explaining what has happened... even if you still want to kill me. ^.^;;

* * *

_Cameras are strange things._

_(There are some people who believe that souls can be captured by an image.)_

_They can capture the heat of the moment, certainly, suspend time in midair forever, render corruptible flesh immortal for as long as ink and paper lasts - and of course, they're so terribly useful for mothers to embarrass their children. Sometimes you see happy couples on beach promenades, one with arm outstretched to the point of view, taking the photo themselves, or those with timers and tripods and a thousand fancy pieces of equipment, but it never really quite works out to capture the perfect moment, does it?_

_A picture can say a thousand words._

_It's what the camera doesn't say - the photographer - that matters the most._

* * *

_"Smile."_

_The boy continues to stare up at the lens._

_Ryuuken sighs. "Uryuu, come on. It isn't that hard..."_

_- and then she sweeps in to save the day, warm arms pulling her son into an embrace as he suddenly brightens up._

_Her husband scowls. "You aren't supposed to be out of bed just yet. The treatment still needs another two weeks before - "_

_She laughs. "Oh, come on, Ryuuken. Am I not even allowed to see my own son?"_

_"Not while you're still meant to be resting - "_

_"Mama?"_

_Sakana plants a gentle kiss on Uryuu's forehead, causing Ryuuken to sigh again._

_"Fine."_

_"Uryuu, sweetie, look this way - "_

* * *

The photograph keeps them safe, in a way. Preserved. Long after she has died of cancer that wouldn't go away, long after his son has left to dance with the dead, long after his own father, too, has moved on from this mortal coil.

Isshin, too will learn, someday, he thinks - but by then, it'll be too late for any of them...

* * *

_a piece of my soul given for safekeeping_


	15. At The End Of The Day

**At the End of the Day**

**Pairing:** None

**Warning: **Theoretical. Spoilers for the Hell advert we got for the new movie.

**A/N:** My sanity is still not back. 5% extrapolation on Uryuu's eventual fate, 95% crack. Also, mockery of Tite Kubo... so more or less normal... yeah. Further updates will be more frequent after the end of September, when I go back to university and therefore have more free time to write. Go figure.

* * *

Uryuu Ishida opened his eyes to see a vast stretch of sand dunes.

"Oh, you're awake," a voice muttered dully.

He blinked, before turning around.

_"You!"_ he snarled.

"Quite." Szayel Apporo Granz inspected his fingernails in a bored fashion.

"But- what are _you_ doing here?"

"Probably about the same as you. Rotting in Hell." There was a slight smirk on the man's face at this.

Uryuu sputtered. "I-"

"If murder is a sufficient sin to cause your soul to go straight to Hell, what would you think the destruction of countless numbers of souls would get you?" he continued in a monotone.

There was silence.

_Shit._

"You mean," Uryuu began with a growing horror, "we're stuck here for the _rest of the universe's life?_!"

"Probably," Szayel replied, flicking an imaginary speck of dust off his white clothing. "Needless to say the situation has not become improved in _any_ manner by your presence."

Uryuu Ishida contemplated the idea of countless millenia in the company of one of the two people he despised with the entirety of his soul.

_The only way this could get any worse,_ he thought, _would be if someone killed Mayuri Kurotsuchi._

"Maybe this is supposed to be punishment for our sins. The only possible way this could get worse would be if that abominable man who calls himself a scienti-"

"Don't jinx it."

* * *

_Unknowable amount of time later_

"Maybe your Ichigo Kurosaki will come to Hell to rescue us."

"_My_ Ichigo Kurosaki?"

"I am merely stating the most plausible option of getting out of here."

"_I'm not gay!_"

"Bisexual, then."

"..."

"I can think of no other plausible reason why a person would wish to enter Soul Society for the sake of someone they had only just _met._"

"..."

"Unless, of course, that person was a complete and utter idiot."

"...shut up."

* * *

_Further unknowable amount of time later_

"Ten million, nineteen thousand, eight hundred and twenty-three specimen tubes in the rack, ten million, nineteen thousand, eight hundred and twenty-three specimen tubes in the rack, if Nnoitra comes round and smashes one down with Santa Teresa there will still be ten million, nineteen thousand, eight hundred and twenty-three since I will probably dissect him just to prevent him from commiting further acts of stupidity - "

"...shut up."

* * *

_Further unknowable amount of time later_

"Can I have your body to experiment on?"

"No."

"I promise I'll be gentle..."

"No."

"I'll even use anaesthetic, I promise!"

"No."

"You're such a spoilsport, Ryun-chan..."

"Wh- Don't call me that!"

* * *

_Further unknowable amount of time later_

"Hey."

"Yes, Ryun-chan?"

"I'm not talking to you. And stop calling me that stupid name."

"Oh, great. Now I have to spend infinity with an _insane_ Quincy I can't experiment on, rather than just an annoying Quincy I can't experiment on."

"Shut up. I'm trying to get some attention here."

"...do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now?"

"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING UP THERE!"

**[_A tinkling of glass, as of a smashing of a computer screen. And thus the Voice of That Being Greater than God, For That Being Greater than God was not Aizen Sosuke but the Author spake thusly:_]**

**WHAT.**

"How long do we have to suffer down here for?"

**UP UNTIL THE POINT WHEN I GET BORED, OR ICHIGO COMES IN HEROICALLY TO SAVE THE DAY. I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHICH YET.**

"...a more _definite_ time period?"

**IT HARDLY MATTERS. IN THIS PLACE, TIME DOES NOT EXIST.**** I COULD PROVIDE YOU WITH A PACK OF CARDS, THOUGH. A GAME IS AT LEAST TRADITIONAL.  
**

"Oh, lovely. Not only do you manage to defy all laws of this universe but you actually fashion yourself to be-"

**ON THE OTHER HAND, I COULD ALWAYS HAND YOU OVER TO THE RABID YAOI FANGIRLS AS ALTERNATIVE PUNISHMENT. I AM SURE THEY WOULD ENJOY IT.  
**

"...I'll take the cards, thanks."

* * *

_Further unknowable period of time later_

"Do you know how to play poker?"

"_Everyone_ knows how to play poker."

"Good."

"..."

"...cheat."

"What?"

"I saw you slip the card up your sleeve."

"I did no such thi!- oof."

"Then what is this?"

"Really, is it such a bad thing if I want to win? Besides, it's not even as if we're betting anything. Actually..."

"What."

"If I win, can I have your body?"

"What is your _obsession_ with my body?"

"I don't have an obsession. It's simply that you're not part of my collection. Officially. Unless I can - "

"No."

* * *

_Further unknowable amount of time later_

"I have good news~"

"What?"

"I think I know how to get us out of here!"

"...you actually figured out how to create an interdimensional portal out of here?"

"No, no, better than that. We can have Ichigo Kurosaki rescue us!"

"That's... probably even lamer than Kurosaki-san's idea to play Jenga using a Gillian. Besides, he won't come anyway."

"Oh, he will. Obviously when Ichigo discovers that there is a princess trapped in Hell, he will come running. You see the pattern?"

"..."

"Evidently you have not yet fathomed the depths of my plan yet. There is _precedent_. That shinigami Rukia gets kidnapped by Soul Society and held for execution and he comes running. The girl, Orihime, with the fabulous assets - "

"_Excuse_ me?"

" - of temporal rejection, taken by Ulquiorra in the dangai and of _course_ he just has to rescue her. Then there's that _actual_ princess Lurichyma, not to mention Rukia Kuchiki again and - "

"I see a grave flaw in this plan."

"What flaw?"

"_We don't have a princess._"

"Ah... I have a solution for this problem, actually."

* * *

_Rather shorter unknowable amount of time later_

"GET THAT SYRINGE THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

"Stop running, Ryun-chan, or we'll never get out of here - "

"THIS IS JUST YOUR EXCUSE TO DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO MY BODY - "

"Uh... hi."

"See? It worked, I told you!"

"Wait - shit, Ishida, what're you doing down _here?_!"

"...I died. And ended up here."

"...you... didn't come for Ryun-chan, then."

"Well, actually, it turns out there was this bastard who kidnapped my sisters and brought them to Hell, so - "

"..."

"...I guess I could rescue you at the same time since you're kinda girly anyway."

"Urge to perform hideous experiments... rising..."

"Kurosaki... just for personal reference, how exactly did you manage to get here?"

"What? Oh yeah... I managed to get enough in touch with my inner hollow, so now I can do that space-time teary thing called garganta. Cool, huh?"

"..."

"..."

"...is something wrong?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong. I just have to kill Szayel."

"Ryun-chan... there's no way you'd kill your long-term lovable companion, Szayel Apporo Granz, right?"

"Uh... I think I'd better leave you to... sort out your issues..."


	16. Memories in the Rain: The Giant

**Memories in the Rain (The Giant)**

**Pairing:** Mildly hinted IchiRuki.**  
**

**A/N:** This is more of a thoughtful piece. Because everyone knows Chad could do with a little more love :3 There are companion pieces that go with this and are currently being written, as well as something insane and vaguely romantic.

**Spoilers: **Up until the beginning of the Lost Substitute Shinigami badge arc. Nothing particularly explicit.

* * *

It's been a long time since I met you.

The memory always sticks in my head. I was there, tied up on a chair out of my own volition. Someone who stood out from getting in the way of the wrong people, and from appearances, skin colour, the way I loomed about a foot over most other people there.

And then you crashed into my world like some kind of divine retribution, a meteor, bright-orange hair and fists flying in every direction.

I didn't know what to make of you at the time, when you called for ambulances for the people around me, called me by another name and told me that fighting was okay if it was for someone else's sake. _Swing your fists for me and I'll swing mine for you. If it's something that's worth protecting, I'll protect it too._

(See? Even I can be poetic.)

I suppose I found a kindred spirit that day. You were like me. Almost exactly like me, I felt.

* * *

I watched your back ever since that day, all the time. At first it was fine - what we dealt with was the mundane, the high-school students who took exception to your hair, or the ones who came to steal.

Then you grew more distant as I watched your retreating back.

I noticed it a little on the day that Rukia Kuchiki came. You never smiled much beforehand, but when you were with her, you acted differently. You would never have allowed anyone else the liberties that she took with you.

I wondered why you came in with more bruises than before, but if you needed help, you would ask. I would not intrude. To try to keep you to myself would have been selfish; if you left me behind but were happy, then I would be... a little sad, perhaps, but content.

The day I met your sister changed everything; I realised the truth. I thought that I became closer to you again, along with Orihime Inoue and Uryuu Ishida.

Ever since then, though, I've realized the truth.

Everything since that day only increased the distance between us; you grew more powerful at a rate I could not match. I could no longer keep my promise the way I meant to, no matter how hard I pushed myself. Even when I grew stronger, it was insufficient. I was no longer able to watch your back.

When you lost your powers and were no longer able to fight, I wasn't sure what to think. The idea of a powerless Ichigo Kurosaki was a completely ludicrious one to me. You became a stranger overnight; you smiled, but no longer meant it. The shinigami snatched your heart away that day when they left with your powers.

I was forced to watch you break, unable to do anything.

So instead, I protected you, even though I could not do anything for your heart.

* * *

There are others like me. They say that there is a way to restore shinigami powers; that they can return your strength, at the cost of their own.

I will help them. I will do whatever it takes, even the loss of my own abilities, if it means that I can help restore what you lost that day.

You gave of yourself for my sake. Please...

...allow me to do the same for you, just once last time.


	17. Memories in the Rain: Shattered Moon

**Memories in the Rain (Shattered Moon)**

**Pairing: **None.

**A/N:** This is more of a thoughtful piece. Zangetsu love! Also, I hope for some reason why Ichigo's inner world is so screwed up. This is just my weirdass partial hypothesis. Also also, two updates in one _day?_! The universe is ending D8

**Spoilers: **Up until the end of Deicide.

* * *

It's cold.

I thought it would be impossible for myself to detest the rain any more than I already did.

...I was wrong, evidently.

I knew it would come to this, eventually. I knew you better than you knew yourself. Your growth dictated that you would gain power. You were always striving for more strength, to protect, except for you it was never enough, because you wanted to save not just one person, not just your family, but _everyone._

And one day you would come up against an opponent you could not, as a human, defeat.

(Nobody ever told you it was impossible. So you strived.)

* * *

I had no idea I was drowning at first.

I had no idea of my own existence until your heart was torn in two in the rain, when you turned away for a second only for your mother to be cut down. (To call her 'our' mother seems strange, as much as I am a part of you; I never lived until she died.)

I suppose it's as good a place for a story to begin as any.

When I came into existence, it was raining. The weather set the stage for the first part of my existence; that is to say, the time you weren't aware of me.

Your other-half was still a part of yourself, even then, but you hadn't quite _split_. That is to say, you were neither one thing nor another - more violent and powerful than most humans, and more compassionate than a hollow. You were... shinigami-hollow, even then, something that balanced out evenly to become a human.

(And then the ice-cold blade thrust into your chest and dragged me out into the light, and the rain left off.)

* * *

There's one memory that I have, when everything became crystal clear for the first time; the sun finally rose over the edge of the ground. I tried to get the best possible view of it, standing on my pole, appreciating the tendrils of warmth and staying in the best vantage point to remain dry.

You came into that world when it was falling apart, the keystones of your power tumbling downwards into the abyss as that other-half of yourself and you strived for dominance. You called on me, and I came, readily, before you left on a venture to rescue the shinigami.

Your other-half was there, with me.

I could not blame him; to be alive, and whole, and then fully cut apart -

* * *

You came for my bankai very soon after I saved your life... no, _both_ of us saved your life, no matter what you thought of him. It was hardly surprising, given that our existences are intimately tied to yours.

He raged out at your weakness, resenting it. To expect you to be capable of wielding my full power on the first time you brought it out would be ridiculous; to expect you to back down would be laughable. Instead, he took over.

Even when you had been faced with insurmountable odds, you had no sense of whether it was difficult or not. You merely continued out of a sense of determination. You never faltered, except for the one second where you had feared your own power at the sight of my blade buried bloodily in the Quincy's stomach, but you never fell -

* * *

- until now.

Your father has given you the secret... no, that isn't quite right.

Your father has given you _a_ secret, the truth of the blade. And because you know of it, it will lead to my death.

_(Maybe it'll be better than drowning.)_

* * *

_"I want you to teach me the final Getsuga Tensho."  
_

* * *

I hope feverently, just for a second before we become one once more, that perhaps you heard the echo of my thought, the last and best secret of your soul -


	18. Memories in the Rain: Broken Cross

**Memories in the Rain (Broken Cross)**

**Pairing: **Onesided Uryuu/Ichigo.

**A/N:** Well... I guess there are enough reasons in canon for this pairing. Although Ichigo is blind, and the odds of it ever being made explicit are about nil.

**Spoilers: **Up until chapter 349 of the anime.

* * *

My name is Uryuu Ishida, and I hate shinigami -

Well, actually, I never really got a chance to take that back, did I? Besides, I never _meant_ it.

Or, at least, I never meant it in the way that you thought I did.

* * *

I was aware of your existence from the very start. The moment you set foot through the door of the classroom, my heart stopped. You certainly garnered the attention of the entire class; you had something of a reputation. Your reiatsu was broadcasting, loudly. Your hair stuck out a mile; at first I had wondered whether you dyed it. You had a presence that gravitated other people around you, whether you liked it or not. Where you went, you certainly turned heads.

(Maybe you actually looked at me for a fraction of a second.)

I'm pretty sure you didn't know my name until at least a good year later, though. I thought about introducing myself straight off, but there were already enough people around you and I had the suspicion I would be dismissed out of hand by one of the others as the class geek. You didn't particularly seem to appreciate all the attention. Giving you extra would have been entirely unnecessary, not to mention unappreciative of your own feelings and desires.

You were like me, after all. Almost exactly so.

Your ability to see spirits was evident in the way you acted - it was rare to see you without a spectral follower or two. I wondered what you might have made of another person with that capability, briefly, before dismissing the idea of telling you as ludicrous. You were innocent of the knowledge of hollows; I would keep things that way for as long as I could. It was once the duty of the Quincy to pick up the slack that the shinigami left.

As of late, the number of hollows seemed to have been growing. The number I had been shooting down each week had exceeded those which would normally turn up in a month. It might, perhaps, have simply been your presence, the fact that you and your reiatsu were both finally starting to come to maturity. (Of course, with 20:20 hindsight, I suppose we could blame the entire thing on Aizen Sosuke and have done with it...)

* * *

When we finally met - properly, that is, not just a casual encounter in the corridors - you were... confused. Angry, perhaps. I think you might have thought I was stealing your prey, or something similar.

You never asked me why my arrows were so weak, or why the shinigami were never called down on our heads from the destruction of souls that should have occured at my presence. Kuchiki-san probably told you that my abilities worked only to destroy hollows, but you thought no further on it. I am a Quincy, after all, and I still possess enough control over my reiatsu in order to change the modulation frequency of my arrows. It's something you probably wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to you, but it was... some of my best work, actually. Sensei was working to acheive such a thing; he never managed to perfect it in time, though, and it killed him. He was always averse to destroying souls...

And then you were there. With the other shinigami, Rukia Kuchiki.

At first, I left you to it. I was... a little jealous, I admit - it felt as if you were being stolen, bit by bit, by the dead that you walked with every day, even as I had struggled to keep you in the land of the living for so long without any acknowledgement. I was being selfish, I admit. I thought that if I managed to prove myself to you, you would stand back. I would not have to see you beaten down again and again until you could no longer stand, or taken by the official shinigami as Sensei was.

You were more and less than I expected. Despite everything, you still continued. You were persistent, infuriatingly so. I turned the town into a hollow hunting ground, hoping you would realise that this task was far beyond your capabilities - and yet you still managed to exceed my expectations.

You should have hated me for that. It wasn't something I could forgive myself for... but you still managed to, anyway, despite everything that I did to try to push you down.

* * *

The day Kuchiki-san was taken was the day I came to terms with the fact that I had more or less pledged my life for you without even realising it. It was something of a pathetic thought, really, but nonetheless... I would help you if you needed it, whether you asked or not; I would stop you from dying again, as an equal this time.

I would do whatever proved necessary for your sake. Even if it meant losing everything about myself. The loss of my powers would be a pittance in comparison to your life. Any part of my body would be sufficient.

I've never really been close to people before you, to be honest. I tended to keep everyone at a distance, so I suppose I was a little slow to realize exactly when 'rival' turned into 'friend', before becoming 'nakama' and then -

I don't know whether you'll ever ask me these things. You probably never felt this way about me in the first place, even if you were still here to listen to my thoughts. You're lost now, and there's nothing I can do for you, your heart that isn't mine cut out of your body.

All I can do is to hold him off. I don't have any delusions of grandeur about destroying the dark demon in front of me; all I can hope for is that Inoue-san may restore you to life again. Maybe I'll get out of here alive, too.

My name is Uryuu Ishida, and I love you.


	19. OGNAIDS Part 2: Food Poisoning

**OGNAIDS 2**

**Pairing:** Onesided Shiro/Uryuu

**Warning: **Mental trauma, genderbendery, general insanity and filler-ness. Really needs chapter 9 to be read beforehand in order to make any kind of sense whatsoever.

**A/N:** It wouldn't let me fit that ridiculously long title in the chapter box again, so yeah. It's OGNAIDS now. Which sounds like some mutated sexual disease.

This recipe does work. I can't remember the actual link for it on the internet, though.

* * *

"Have we lost her?" Ichigo didn't dare turn around for fear of losing his grip on the Horse's neck and falling off, which would probably result in being trampled painfully. By the way that Uryuu was still clinging on to his waist, he wasn't the only one having problems staying on.

Whatever reply there was blew away in the wind before it could reach him.

"What?" he yelled.

He was pretty sure that Ishida _had_ said something this time.

_...forget this._

"OY! HORSE!"

No response from the hollow either. Ichigo decided to take matters into his own hands and go for a more physical approach, ramming a foot into his side.

The hollow stopped moving abruptly, causing Ichigo and Ishida to slide off in an ungraceful dogpile on the ground.

"...ow."

It took a little while for Ichigo to extract himself from the depths of azure cloth that apparently made up a princess dress. It didn't really help that the hollow was snickering loudly at his other half's current predicament. By the time everyone had managed to get disentangled, both parties concerned were thoroughly red-faced.

"This never happened. We do not talk of this incident, ever again."

"Agreed... I mean, what incident?" Ichigo hastily corrected.

Uryuu dusted down the dress, looking around as she adjusted her spectacles. "Well, at any rate, we seem to have lost Honsho-san." She gave an involuntary shudder at this. "Although I'm not entirely sure where we are right now. Didn't you have something like a map?"

"Yeah... but that was of the castle..." He scowled. "Anyway, there's a path here. If we follow it, we should get _somewhere_ at least."

Ten minutes later and they had managed to arrive at what was an extremely bizarre construction in the middle of a clearing. Possibly someone had attempted to make a house that would be waterproof and ward off wild beasts. It would certainly give them food poisoning, at any rate.

They stared at it. A wisp of smoke left the seaweed-wrapped chimney.

"The roof tiles seem to be made of... some kind of mixture of wasabi and red bean paste... and I think those crackers were made with kimchi or something, judging by the smell." Uryuu's nose wrinkled up. "Who would even _do_ something like this?"

"_Someone who really hates gingerbread?_"

Ichigo had his personal suspicions, which were confirmed about five seconds later as the kimchi-cracker door swung open to reveal none other than a black-clad Orihime Inoue, as well as a distinct whiff of something that might well have been chocolate cake.

"Ah! Visitors!"

"Uh... we were just passing by?" Ichigo tried, before being dragged by the hand into the inedible house.

Orihime beamed at him. "I'm so glad you came by! I've been waiting for someone to pop by and try all my new recipes that I came up with - I'm sure you must be hungry after such a long journey... I don't have a stable or anything for Horse-san, but I'm sure there's something I can do for it - "

_You're doin' enough by just existin', 'hime_ -

"No, really, we're fine," tried Uryuu, just before Orihime's smile faltered and she sat down on a mochi chair.

"It's... it's the recipes, isn't it?" she whispered, eyes welling up with tears. "I keep trying, and Rangiku-chan helps me, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to win the Witch Cookery contest... and nobody else comes by much any more. I'm sorry..."

"Wait a sec, don't cry!" Ichigo interrupted. "We can definitely help you with a cookery contest! What kind of stuff do you need for that?"

Orihime's expression brightened up instantly. "Really?"

"Yes! We'll definitely help you win!"

"Uh, Kurosaki-san - " Uryuu tried, before cutting herself off at Orihime's determined expression.

"Very well... I will make a cake the likes of which the Witch Cookery contest has never seen before!"

_This is going to end... badly._

* * *

It took quite a lot of cake mixture later in order to find the perfect recipe for chocolate fudge brownie cake, Orihime style and complete with chilli pepper. It tasted far more delicious that it had any right to, in fact; Ichigo managed to finish off about a third of the mixture before it got cooked.

"Thank you so much!" Ichigo was promptly suffocated in a near-bone-shattering hug. "I'm definitely sure that this will do the best thanks to your help! Would you like some to take away?"

"Sure - "

"Actually, we need to get going," interrupted Uryuu. "I don't suppose you know anything about a Snow Crystal?"

"Ah... the Snow Crystal..." Orihime frowned in thought. "It's a very famous artefact, but I don't know who has it. I think it changed hands a few times because it was so powerful, but the last time I heard the Ice Princess had it. She lives a very long way away in the mountains, though, it'll probably take a while to get there."

"Damn... I guess we'd better get going in that case."

_But the cake..._

Ichigo stared as a large plastic container was suddenly thrust into his arms.

"Take some food supplies for your journey!"

"Uh, thanks?" he managed, before being dragged out the door.

* * *

_"What's in it?"_

_"...it's that chocolate seaweed man again..."_


	20. Accidental Captaincy

**Accidental Captaincy/Headshot**

**Pairing: **Onesided(ish) Nemu/Uryuu.**  
**

**A/N: **This is pure and utter insanity. So yeah. Nothing new. Just a thought on what might have happened had Ishida aimed for the head in his CMOA.

Also, this is totally not a forbidden love story. It's crack. Really seriously crack. (We promise.)

* * *

It was a patently obvious and completely basic matter of anatomy. There are very few things that can continue to live after their head has been completely and utterly destroyed. Whilst a chicken _has_ been reputed to continue for a year and a half after decapitation, apparently Mayuri Kurotsuchi was incapable of successfully replicating the feat.

_Although considering... how much of a mess I made of him... that isn't surprising,_ Ishida thought, slightly woozy from the toxins starting to run through his system. A flicker of movement caught his eye as he just made out the woman - _Nemu - _getting up, just before his legs folded and he blacked out.

* * *

"Shit. The taicho's_ dead?_!"

There was chaos in the surveillance room. Normally, there would be a mere 50 people in there, but with the recent events involving the ryoka and Aizen Sosuke's murder, it had been decided that no further risks were to be taken. Every single monitorable location within the Seireitei was being watched, including the ladies' baths at first (at least, until the fukutaicho had demurely and silently turned up behind them all whilst they had been ogling. That had more or less put an abrupt halt to all the perving).

Mayuri Kurotsuchi had given them strict orders not to interfere unless the need arose (that is to say, unless some interesting specimen became available).

Of course, shinigami being at least partly human in nature (even in the 12th Division), some of them had taken the opportunity to use the surveillance room screens like an action movie theatre. Someone had even helpfully supplied a popcorn machine. Besides, watching a variety of people picking their noses, filling in paperwork, doing mundane chores, sleeping, eating barracks food and generally being boring wasn't _fun._ It was much more interesting to watch people fighting, especially when there wasn't any risk of actually getting hit yourself.

"Wait! Nemu-fukutaicho's getting up towards the human! What's happening?"

As a result, it was pure coincidence that over 200 people were all watching the result of the fight between Uryuu Ishida and Mayuri Kurotsuchi.

"She's taking him - "

Hiyosu sputtered, toppling backwards off his chair as Nemu looked up at the hidden camera, before injecting the fallen Quincy with a vial of liquid procured from underneath her lieutenant badge. "What's she giving him the antidote for?"

"Ah... it's like a forbidden love story..." sighed Rin, just before Hiyosu rounded on him.

"Shut up! Don't say such absurd things! She's just bringing him back for experimentation purposes. And get back to your stations. All of you!" he shouted, pushing himself back up in an ungainly manner.

The door swung open, revealing Nemu with an unconscious Uryuu in her arms.

"Ah... Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho..." stammered Hiyosu.

Her dull gaze swept over the room. "Were you all watching?"

"...that is to say..." He backed off slightly. "We were monitoring the security systems for the ryoka."

"Good save," hissed one of the nameless peons, before receiving an elbow to the stomach from Akon.

"I see. This is why the display screens are on multiscreen mode. I also detect the scent of superheated corn_,"_ Nemu said without a trace of sarcasm.

Akon stepped in, since Hiyosu was starting to tremble under Nemu's gaze. "That would be correct, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho."

"I also note that there are two hundred and thirteen people currently seated in this room."

Akon swallowed. "That would also be correct, Kurotsuchi-fukutaicho," he replied, just before the way she had phrased the matter made his eyes widen slightly.

_...shit._

"I will therefore attend to our captain."

"Kurotsuchi-taicho is _dead!_" exploded Hiyosu, before suddenly realising that what he had just said was, perhaps, not the most tactful of things to say to his supposed daughter. He backpedalled, fast. "Ah, well... that is to say... I mean..."

"I am aware of this. I will attend to our captain. I would appreciate it if you could assist in cleaning up the mess left by the conflict."

"What?"

"...there is a rule which dictates that any person who defeats the head of a division, in single combat, with a minimum of 200 people from said division watching, will become the next taicho. It was never revoked," Akon stated flatly. Internally, he really wanted to stab something. This was an unnecessary complication he could really do _without_.

"But - " Hiyosu sputtered. "He isn't even a shinigami! He doesn't have a zanpakuto! For the brutes of the Eleventh, perhaps, yes, this might apply, but we are _scientists!_"

"That is precisely why the absence of a zanpakuto is unimportant." She turned around once more to leave the surveillance room. "I will attend to him."

* * *

Uryuu Ishida woke up in somewhat awkward circumstances. Whilst waking up with a not inconsiderable pair of female assets hanging over one's head might, perhaps, be a wet dream come true for most men, Uryuu Ishida was not most men.

(Most men would probably not have shrieked like a girl either, for that matter.)

"Good morning, Ishida-taicho."

"...Nemu?" he asked, incredulously, before looking down at himself. Apparently everything was still currently intact. He wasn't strapped down to a dissection table or anything like that, and she was kneeling over him in a manner that did not obviously suggest experimentation had been taking place.

"You remembered my name, Ishida-taicho." There was something of a trace of what might possibly be considered as 'happiness' in her voice.

"Where am I?"

"You are currently within the 12th Division recovery area." She shifted slightly, causing her neckline to flop downwards a little further and affording an improved view of a rather perky set of breasts.

"Uhm. Could you get off me, please?"

She slid off the bed before standing up, disappointed.

_Was my analysis... incorrect? Matsumoto-fukutaicho successfully utilizes this procedure in order to acquire attention from males. Have I done somthing wrong?_

"I'm not trapped here?" he asked warily. Nemu felt a little hurt, although admittedly there was a _very_ valid reason for his concern.

"No. I brought you here since you needed urgent medical attention. I also thought it best things were kept discreet for the time being, Ishida-taicho."

"...why are you helping me, and why do you keep referring to me as 'Ishida-taicho'?"

"You bested Kurotsuchi-taicho in what qualifies for honourable combat on your part. As over 200 members of my division were watching, you are now officially the leader of the 12th Division, and I am bound to assist you _in any way possible_." She stressed the last phrase slightly.

Uryuu gaped for a second, before he realised and shut his mouth.

"Who came up with a ridiculous rule like that anyway?"

"That is an excellent question. I do not know, but I am certain that with some research - "

"You don't actually have to answer that. It was a rhetorical question."

"Ah. I see, Ishida-taicho."

He winced. "And could you please stop calling me Ishida-taicho? It feels... _awkward_."

"To address you in any other manner would be disrespectful, Ishida-taicho."

"I'm not even a shinigami. I can't even fight hollows any more! I gave up my powers during the fight with - "

"Your abilities were beginning to destabilize after your fight, that is correct. However, I have successfuly restored your condition."

He blinked. "You... actually did something like that?"

"Yes, Ishida-taicho. I apologise for tampering with your body without permission."

"...you didn't do... anything else?" Uryuu asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I would be perfectly willing to execute any command that you so desire." Suddenly, Nemu seemed an awful lot closer than he was confortable with.

"Uhm. Actually, that's... fine. You don't need to do anything else right now." A thought suddenly occured to him. "I'm officially a taicho? You mean... people will actually follow my orders around here?"

"Indeed, Ishida-taicho. Whatever orders you wish."

Suddenly, Uryuu's evil smirk reminded her an awful lot of her father. It was the kind of look that signified impending doom for _someone_.

Nemu sighed with happiness at the expression. Finally, there was a boy after her own hearts, and Father wasn't around to object to her dating again, so he wouldn't end up on the dissection table like the last unfortunate male to take an interest in the fukutaicho of the 12th Division. Although he didn't seem all that interested in her... maybe he preferred the same sex? Or were her assets insufficient? She would see into having hormone correctional therapy, perhaps. And Father wasn't liable to take her apart if he found out.

...Things were _definitely_ looking up.

* * *

Uryuu managed to resist the urge to cackle evilly as he demolished a series of disgusting-looking experimental hollows. To be honest, he wasn't doing all that much beyond releasing his full power. Having the ability to destroy any inanimate objects and any weak enough creatures formed of reiatsu_ was_ pretty badass. Most of the files had already been removed; anything that was deemed unethical was being destroyed. He felt no need to find out exactly how much acid it took to corrode away at a hollow's hierro, nor whether or not part-hollows were capable of displaying a partial transformation or not.

_Although I'm a little worried about Nemu-san. She seemed to keep staying close to me... and I killed her father... I'm just worried about her. She seems alright, and she... did save me, I suppose... but most people would be upset if their parents died._

"How many more laboratories are there to clear out, Akon-san?"

"To be perfectly honest, I don't know. The full extent of the Institute was never revealed, even to me... Mayuri Kurotsuchi tended to keep his pet projects quiet."

"What is the current status of the ryoka invasion, then?"

"...I believe several of yo- the ryoka have been captured already. I would not know the precise identity of these persons, but at least two have been taken alive so far. They will probably be held in the Fourth Division for questioning over the murder of Aizen-taicho."

Uryuu frowned, the dissolution of the hollows in the incubation tanks coming to a halt. "I doubt that anyone who came as a ryoka would have been capable of anything like murder... where was the body found?"

"East Daisyouheki." At Uryuu's expression, Akon clarified a little. "It's a section of Seireitei near the centre. The body was pinned up against the wall. There was a considerable amount of mess..."

"That's too fast. Besides, I doubt any of them save Kurosaki-san could have killed a captain, and he is far too moral a person to kill in such a way..."

_I suppose I will have to make appropriate preparations, at any rate. Kurosaki is probably half-dead by now, knowing his attitude. I can only hope that Inoue-san managed to evade capture as well. Shiba-san was probably caught; he didn't seem particularly subtle or powerful_. _Yoruichi-san..._ _has probably also evaded capture for the time being. After all, who would expect a cat to be capable of posing a threat?_

* * *

"Awww, you found someone?"

"Yes." Nemu picked up the cup of sake, inspecting it carefully as if for traces of poison.

"That's great!" Rangiku leaned across the table to pour herself another cup. "So... what's he look like?"

"Well... he has glasses... and dark hair... and blue eyes."

"Details!" Rangiku slapped her hand against the table. "I need more details, you can't just - "

"I could give you his precise dimensions, if you wish," Nemu volunteered. "His blood type is AB negative, he weighs roughly 55.14 kilograms, the length of his - "

"That's not romantic at all... I can see why you wanted my help." Rangiku struck a dramatic pose. "We'll rescue your love life yet! What's his name? Is he hot?"

"He is called Uryuu Ishida. When I checked, his temperature was about 37.6 degrees Celcius, although I would not know whether this would qualify as 'hot' in your terms."

"No, no, no... Is he cute?"

Nemu contemplated this question. It was sometimes hard for her to understand what precisely Rangiku was trying to tell her, but she supposed that yes, Uryuu could, indeed, be classified as 'cute'. Certainly he aroused a whole slew of unfamiliar sensations within her body.

"Yes," she eventually answered. "Although I wish to seek advice on the reciprocation of my feelings."

"Hmmm?" Rangiku placed the cup back down again, expression suddenly intent on Nemu's features.

"I attempted seducing him, but regrettably, he does not seem to respond positively in the same way as other males..."

A grin spread across Rangiku's face slowly. "Mr. Tactful, huh?"

"...I thought I said his name was Uryuu Ishida - "

She waved her hand dismissively. "I wasn't talking about that. He's being all polite and non-forward and sweet."

"I see. So I should try harder?" Nemu asked.

"...probably," she conceded. "Either that or wait for things to progress. There's a courtship thing, ask him out on a date with dinner or something like that. If he blushes, it's definitely a good sign~"

* * *

Uryuu stared at the coat. It was a voluminous monstrosity with an absurd number of pockets. There was also a hat, and a mask. Apparently what he had seen earlier had _not_ been Kurotsuchi's actual face, although he supposed he shouldn't have been all that surprised at this.

Apparently he had missed numerous meetings with the soutaicho, but that was alright because quite a few people had been doing so and at any rate it wasn't as if his predecessor had been much good at following rules anyway. But, unfortunately, people would expect his presence at the execution of Rukia Kuchiki, granting him the perfect opportunity to break her out.

He'd looked through the construction of the weapon earlier. There were some records of the artefact which had been 'acquired' by the Twelfth Division, giving him enough data on the thing to stand a decent chance at sealing it away. Not to mention the securing kido generally used on prisoners was something he could break through without too much difficulty - he'd already been practicing with... Nemu's _assistance_. He blushed somewhat at the memory.

The only problem with his plan was that it required him to wear Mayuri's outfit, temporarily at least.

_No... I have to do this... because of Kurosaki. *  
_

_The expression on his face when he finds out I've one-upped him will be priceless. **_

The door creaked open, revealing Nemu.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, just as she opened the door fully to reveal that she was wearing a very daringly cut dress.

"I thought that you might appreciate a night with dinner together with myself. Ishida-taicho."

"Uhnk," he managed, just before she interpreted his response as a 'yes' and dragged him off for a romantic candlelit dinner for two.

* * *

Ichigo stared down from his birds-eye-viewpoint. Rukia was on the scaffold already, and a phoenix flying towards her at a ridiculously slow speed. There were a bunch of captains down there, including Byakuya and a dude with the strangest hat he had ever seen, but it didn't matter as he got in between the bird and Rukia.

"What the hell are you doing _here?_!"

"I've come to rescue you, moron."

"You idiot!" she screamed at him. "Get the hell out of the way, or you'll be run through - "

There was a loud, resonant sound of metal impacting metal, as the Soukyoku met with Zangetsu's blade, leaving Rukia momentarily dumbstruck.

"You... just... but that's impossible... the power of a million zanpakuto..."

"Really?" He adjusted his positioning, gripping the hilt of Zangetsu. "Nobody told _me_ about that. What kind of zanpakuto were they measuring against anyway, some newbie's?" Ichigo glanced down; there was a considerable kerfuffle going on below as the oddly-hatted man swept it off his head in time to slam his hands against the wooden poles of the scaffold, and a white-haired captain and another man in a straw hat sent a long line of cord flying up to tie down the bird.

"Shut up! This is serious! You won't be able to stop it a second time - "

With a scream, a wave of reiryoku spread up the cord, extinguishing the fiery creature. A secondary pulse from the man at the scaffold sent a wave of azure washing across the structure of the scaffold, effectively vaporizing it. Ichigo caught Rukia just before she fell, swooping downwards to the ground.

"Kurosaki-san. You're late."

Ichigo twitched at the sight of his rival. "What the hell? Since when did you become a captain?"

"Evidently you haven't been keeping up with recent events, Kurosaki." Uryuu adjusted his glasses slightly. "Actually, I was more expecting to have to break you out of prison or something like that."

"You..." Ichigo twitched. "You're not even a shinigami, and they just let you join?"

Uryuu shrugged. "Apparently it isn't a necessary requirement these days."

"I defeated Zaraki Kenpachi, would that count as being a captain?"

"No."

* * *

Eventually, matters were sorted out, resulting in the conclusion that a student in the Living World really could not hold the duties of a captain, and Kisuke was reappointed to his original post amidst much kerfuffle.

But Uryuu never let Ichigo live it down.

* * *

*(And a thousand yaoi shippers rejoiced.)

**(And a thousand yaoi shippers cried out, and then were silent.)


	21. Inadvisable Love Polygons

**Inadvisable Love Polygon**

* * *

**Pairings: **All the pairings. _All_ of them. We're not kidding... well, maybe not Yamamoto/Chojirou.

* * *

**A/N:** A minor tribute to that dude whose name most people can't remember and whose actual canon battle footage comprises about 5 seconds before Ichigo knocked him out, three-on-one. Chojirou Sasakibe, we salute you... although we will probably get to see your bankai one day quite soon. inb4 bankaitheft

* * *

"…could you please say that again?"

Yamamoto-Genryuusai stared at his lieutenant's anxious face over steepled fingers.

"Well… we're pretty sure that it all started when Kurotsuchi-taicho released the inhibition inhibiting drug in Karakura Town. I managed to get to the records safely, and as far as I can tell what sparked it off was _probably_ a mention that the Quincy was interested in the substitute shinigami Kurosaki Ichigo. Romantically so." Chojirou Sasakibe coughed slightly.

"Even so," the soutaicho's voice rumbled, "I fail to see exactly what this had to do with the fact that my forces are currently – "

"After that he attempted to find out what would happen if you had a Quincy/shinigami/hollow hybrid born in the Living World. Except that the whole thing spread since Kurotsuchi put the drug in the sake supply at a party that one of the humans was holding at the time, which meant that Matsumoto-fukutaicho brought a whole supply of the stuff back to the Seireitei afterwards…"

"That doesn't explain why Karakura Town is half-bulldozed."

"Ah. Well… as far as I can tell Kurosaki-san's… _other_ side came out to play after the drugs were released. Apparently the hollow got a bit possessive when one of his schoolmates attempted to grope the girl, Orihime Inoue, and went on a rampage after that."

Yamamoto put his head in his hands, groaning. This did _not _help his increasing headache.

"Of course, after that there was also a bit of a fight over who would get to marry Ichigo himself. I think the last that was heard before surveillance dropped completely was that the Quincy was winning. And then the computers got ruined because the remainder of the sake spilled everywhere, of course… then Rangiku-san declared that she would find Ichimaru and… I believe the exact words she used were 'jump his traitorous ass'. Unfortunately, Kira-san did not seem to appreciate that… and that doesn't even begin to brush the surface of the Rukia/Renji/Byakuya/Hisagi/Hanatarou issue. _Or_ the Kyoraku/Jyuushiro/Ise problem."

The building shuddered as a shadow passed over.

"That fails to explain why Minazuki is attempting to break into the 1st Division headquarters."

"I believe Retsu-san decided to declare her undying love for you. Unfortunately when I told her that you were busy, she… ah… took offence."

"Yama-kun?" echoed a voice in the corridors. "It's so cruel to leave a lady friend waiting, Yama-kun~"

Yamamoto Genryuusai briefly considered jumping out of the window to escape. Unfortunately, it appeared to be blocked by what seemed to be a giant ray wing.

Chojirou reached a decision, drawing his sword.

"I'll use my bankai to hold her off."

Yamamoto almost opened his mouth to protest, before recalling what had happened the last time Unohana had had a serious love interest. He closed it again.

"Good luck."

His lieutenant nodded, looking pale as he strode out of the room.

The commander-general tried to ignore the sounds coming down the corridor as he left. This was harder than one might think, due to the echoing nature. The noise continued for about a minute, a brief flurry of thunderclaps and more visceral sounds Yamamoto tried not to contemplate.

Then there was silence.

"Yama-kuuuun… how impolite. I would have thought you had better manners when dealing with a lady."

A shadow loomed.

Yamamoto wondered, in his last moments as Retsu Unohana advanced upon him, how it was possible for what was _generally_ a friendly facial expression to become so terrifying when she used it…


	22. Nightmare Fuel

For one of Love Psycho's challenges: What would happen if someone else went to Karakura Town instead of Rukia Kuchiki? What would change?

Of course, being the kind of person that I am and with a ttl inability to be srs, I proudly present to you this work of art… The alternative option was summed up neatly in 5 words by 'mayuri and nemu dissect everything'. Since this would be terribly boring, I decided this was probably the (marginally) better course of action. (I also ended up getting a bit bored near the end, just in case you didn't notice.)

* * *

Kurotsuchi scowled, not that anyone would notice due to the thick layer of makeup over his face, along with the mask. It was pathetic that he had to do this himself, but after sending out fifteen different subordinates who had all come up with the conclusion that there was nothing wrong, he was going to have to go himself.

Well… perhaps not _entirely_ by himself. Nemu was with him, of course. He gave his 'daughter' a cursory glance; she was carrying a large sack crammed with the equipment necessary for the recalibration of twenty-nine hundred and forty-seven separate sensors.

The readings were absurd. There was no way that there could possibly be a reishi source of this level, not even in the only spiritually-charged region in Japan for the century… but if there were… the wealth of data such a thing could provide would be unimaginable. It could potentially solve all powering issues for the entire Seireitei, giving him more resources at his disposal as he worked to solve the problem of Kisuke Urahara instead!

He was practically salivating at the thought of trumping that bastard blonde already. Maybe the power fluctuations were a result of Urahara's work, too – that would kill two hollows with one blow, as it were. And if, in the course of his investigation, he happened to gain the mysterious Hougyoku that was detailed of in the records…

Mayuri resisted the urge to rub his hands together with glee and cackle madly, even though there was nobody else except his faux daughter with him in the dangai.

_Yes… This is certainly the best course of action._

Stepping out revealed a disappointing tableau; Karakura Town did not look like the sort of place one might expect to find a refuge from Seireitei – but then, Mayuri supposed, that was probably the _point. _And hiding one's own reiatsu signature amongst the hubbub of human life – that made perfect sense, especially for a man who had invented the first gigai.

Mayuri glowered down at the rambling hive of human activity. Really, they were so ridiculously _stupid_ that it irked him. Not a single one of them looked up, and not a single one would notice his presence even if they had.

"Mayuri-sama?"

"…hook up the equipment to the power grid, then take direct readings from all of the sensors." He shook his head, irritated. "Do I _really _need to give you instructions for everything?"

Nemu bowed her head. "Apologies, Mayuri-sama. I will attempt to take initiative next time."

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki was having a weird day. The ghosts seemed edgier than normal, and he'd seen some Godzilla-like monster that nobody else had paid attention to before it was cut down by a schoolgirl with a drill for a hand.

And now there was this creepy dude with the mask.

"Look," he said, finally giving up. "What do you want?"

Gold eyes widened behind the mask. "Fascinating… subject appears to display some degree of spiritual perception. Also, exuding nigh-on-lieutenant class reiatsu with abysmal control… you, boy. You know Kisuke Urahara?"

_Okay, this guy is worrying._

"…no."

"Hm… nevertheless, still probably of use."

"Who the hell are you? And who says someone's 'of use' anyway?" Ichigo demanded, irritated at the lack of attention this man was paying.

The odd man leered at him. "Yes, I think he'll do perfectly. Nemu!"

"Hai."

Ichigo did not scream like a little girl at the voice next to his ear. He insisted this, no matter what was said afterwards.

('Nemu' turned out to be the schoolgirl with the drill hand. This didn't really make him feel much better.)

"Of course, there will naturally be the minor matter of transport, but I think matters can be arranged – "

"You still didn't answer my question."

The masked man rolled his eyes in opposite directions.

"Very well. I am a scientist. Is that clear enough for even an entity such as _yourself_ to understand?"

The air parted noiselessly behind the self-proclaimed scientist.

"Mayuri-sama…"

"What?" snapped Mayuri, turning just as a monstrous creature emerged. It would not have been out of place in a bad horror movie; a mask covered its face, but the primary feature was the gaping hole in its chest.

_What the hell is that thing?_

"You dolt!" The scientist turned to glower at the girl. "Why didn't you inform me of the – "

"Watch out!" Ichigo yelled, just before the girl's hand entered its Drill Mode and she lashed out at the creature's head.

Unfortunately, this didn't seem to do much more than irritate it. It screeched angrily, before lashing out and flinging the girl down the street, where she hit a building with a sickening crack.

Ichigo stared in shock, just before the masked man knocked him to the ground.

"What…"

He twisted around. Mayuri was pinned against the pavement by one clawed foot, sword knocked from his grasp; the creature had punctured his abdomen without too much difficulty.

"Take the zanpakuto… run through… yourself – " The sentence was cut off abruptly as the monster pulled its foot up, bringing the man with it.

_There's no way that guy can be human… what the hell am I supposed to do with the sword anyway?_

"Stab yourself with it and take the power already, you fool! Do you have a death wish?"

Ichigo looked down at the blade.

_It's not like seppuku can be any worse than getting mauled by an invisible creature, right?_

He lifted it up to his chest. It slid through, painlessly, before his body was flooded by the energy contained within.

* * *

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was not in a good mood. Being impaled by an adjuchas tended to have that effect on people, if they didn't die in the first place. He was leaking ectoplasm all over the pavement, and Nemu's back was almost certainly broken.

_Evidently I need to improve her reaction times and hardiness… but that brat managed to take every last scrap of my reiryoku. I won't be able to return to Seireitei for a while… how frustrating._

He finally managed to slide out the gigantic claws from his body. The brat had decapitated the adjuchas quite cleanly, before collapsing from exhaustion. Nevertheless, killing an adjuchas was an impressive feat for a lower seated shinigami; the idea that a _living human _was capable of such a thing, though, was ridiculous.

_Although given his absurd reiatsu, I suppose it isn't surprising. Normally they burn out completely when a transfer is attempted between a shinigami and a human. He certainly has quite the potential… perhaps I could even take him on as my assistant._

There was a clicking sound of approaching footsteps. Mayuri managed to lift his head off the pavement, before groaning at the approaching man.

_As if this day couldn't get any worse… _that man _has to turn up. Of course he's here. Why wouldn't he be here?_

He glowered at his predecessor as best as he could with a broken spine.

"Mayuri-san. It's been a while… you're in pretty bad shape, it seems." The brim of the straw bucket hat tipped down as Kisuke's head tilted to inspect him better.

There was a sigh. "What have you done to yourself _this_ time?"

_Astounding… I forgot how much I loathed that particular tone of voice._

Mayuri had a brief flashback to the last time he had been forced to listen to it, a period when he had been attempting any and all possible self-improvements. (He'd spent much of the week in a freezer trying to regain solidity once more. Learning to pull himself together had been quite hard.)

"Are you going to just stand there and gloat?" he rasped. _I could do with help scraping my innards off the pavement, for starters…_

"Hardly. Although I would be curious to know why _now_ of all times."

He considered telling Kisuke that it had been a coincidence, before deciding that he would rather bleed out than admit he had found the other man by accident.

"Well… it would be cruel of me to deny help to my estranged apprentice, but at the same time, pragmatism _does_ dictate…"

Mayuri didn't notice Tessai and the bakudo he was casting, up until it was too late to resist its siren call into slumber.

_Damn… you… _he thought, just before slipping into oblivion.

* * *

Urahara frowned at the unconscious body of his former protégé. He remembered the reasons for the man's incarceration very well; he also remembered releasing Mayuri in hopes that he would be able to keep the scientist's more… _unethical _tendencies in check.

The rumours that had been filtering through to him from Seireitei were worrying, though.

_Evidently he didn't stay reformed for long… nonetheless, I can't just let Isshin's son die, and Mayuri did save his life…_

The spark of an idea entered his mind.

"Urahara-dono?"

He turned to face Tessai. "Bring them back for the time being."

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki woke up to find it was all a dream. There was no evidence whatsoever of a man in a creepy mime mask, or a massive samurai sword, or a schoolgirl with a drill for a hand. Really, everything seemed to be pretty much normal… or relatively so, at least. There were still ghosts hanging around, but that was to be expected –

He frowned.

_Actually… where'd that ghost from last night go?_

"Gooooood~ MORNIIIIIING!"

Ichigo dodged instinctively. Years of living with his father had trained his Dad Senses to far higher levels than most people would possess.

"My precious son…" Isshin managed to change his trajectory mid-flight, landing on his son's bed. "You have truly grown, young grasshopper! I have nothing left to teach you! It's a tragedy… Masaki, my precious Masaki – "

"Jeez, get out of my room already, will you?" He shoved his now-weeping father out of the room and into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.

Ichigo still felt uneasy all the way to school.

_Why do I get the feeling something's following me…_

"Class… this is your replacement teacher for the next month, since Ochi-san has gone on leave for the time being!"

Ichigo stared as the brown-haired man walked in. He was scowling heavily, and looked the least likely candidate to ever be entrusted with students' safety.

"Please welcome Mayuri Kurotsuchi…"

"Yes, yes, no need for introductions…"

_That's the scientist guy from last night?! What's he doing here, of all places? Shouldn't he have gone back to wherever he came from?_

Six desks over, Uryuu Ishida was silently relieving traumatic memories.

_That man killed my grandfather…_

"Firstly, I want you to name me fifteen common toxins and their effect on the standard human body, as well as giving me the twenty-nine paralysing/fatal pressure points and their locations on a twenty-one year old male. You have five minutes."

* * *

"Why are you still here?"

"Fool. Obviously you siphoned off all of my powers. As a result... I have no choice except to get you to take up the duties I am not currently capable of completing."

"Wait, why can't that girl do that?"

"She's dead."

"...shit, I'm sorry."

"Why? I can always reconstruct her. Besides, it was her failure to pay attention anyway."

"..."

* * *

"He's a murdering bastard of a shinigami! Why the hell are you even assisting him?"

"…he did give me his powers…"

"What, so if Adolf Hitler turned up on your doorstep you'd offer to help him, too? He deliberately had Sensei killed by hollows!"

"Yeah, well – "

"Unless you're trying to claim that you're in love with his assistant – "

"Look, shut up, Ishida, okay? I get the fucking point. That still doesn't change the fact that he gave me the ability to save my family."

"Which you wouldn't have _needed_ if he was doing his job right!"

"…fine." Ichigo scowled fearsomely at the scientist in question, who looked distinctly uncomfortable without his lieutenant present. "Did you, or did you not, have Ishida's grandfather killed?"

"I really couldn't say… there have been so many Quincies on my dissection slab, it's ridiculous to expect me to remember _all _of them – "

A bright-azure blade sprung to life in Uryuu's left hand, its light reflecting eerily off his glasses.

"Okay, I'm castrating him now."

"Wait! Don't be so ridiculously hasty, I never mentioned what happened to him afterwards – "

* * *

And thus nobody gave much of a crap when Mayuri Kurotsuchi was dragged, kicking and screaming, back to the Seireitei to be executed on grounds of excessive unethicality. As a result, Sosuke Aizen ended up very quietly taking over the entire universe, an event that also went mainly unnoticed (except for one man, but he didn't count because his hat looked ridiculous anyway). The result of this was that all buttons everywhere came unattached, and Japanese tea sales rose fivefold. Most of this was attributed to aliens, though, so that was okay.

* * *

(Five minutes later, Uryuu Ishida woke up screaming in bed from a nightmare before realising that Mayuri Kurotsuchi would never, ever be permitted to use hollows as dissection subjects at Karakura High. He might have felt slightly better about the fact that this was_ obviously_ all a dream, were it not for the fact that Nemu suddenly appeared two inches over his head, causing him to have a heart attack.

She did apologise later, though.)


	23. ANFSCE: Excessive Crossover Edition

**And Now For Something Completely InsaNE: The infinite crossover version!**

Other noncanon potential works in the making: Sci-fi Promethean AscFridgeHorror Fireflyesque Bleach futurefic, the _actual_ version of Naruto/Bleach, the actual version of Doctor Who/Bleach, AU Bleach involving guardian angels like never before, and a bunch of other junk.

* * *

**P&SwG**

"…no. Hell no."

_Why not? Lighten up a little!_

"I refuse point-blank to do a striptease for the satisfaction of your readers. Not to mention I'm not even blonde, and if anyone even _thinks _about asking me if I'm a hentai I will castrate them permanently. With Seele Schneider."

"Yeah, not to mention have you even _seen _that outfit? I'm not wearing a Lolita dress!"

_Fine, we'll move on to something different..._

"Good."

* * *

**Star Wars**

"You see," said Sosuke Aizen, allowing the illusion to fall, revealing his true face, "I am your father, Ichigo."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Inception**

You see... you never awoke from my illusions. None of you did. All you did was to delude yourself that your actions had made any difference whatsoever... whilst I have transcended you completely, you still slumber there, all of you, dreaming dreams that the evil man is locked safely away.

I think I'll leave you there whilst I change the world. You're all satisfied, after all.

* * *

**Romeo & Juliet**

"Oh Uryuu, Uryuu, wherefore art thou – "

"Kurosaki-san, would you kindly stop mocking me before I am forced to shoot you? _I am not gay_."

* * *

"You have besmirched the honour of my son." A volley of arrows slammed into the pavement where he had been standing a split second ago. "Prepare to die, Ichigo Kurosaki."

* * *

**Being Human**

"So a shinigami, a Quincy and a hollow are all sharing an apartment together? Peacefully?"

"Yeah… that's pretty much what I thought. It's totally ridiculous, right?"

"I know, I know…"

* * *

**Doctor Who**

"Koschei, would you _please _stop hypnotising the sewing club members?"

"Why not? They're already fangirling over my apparent bishounen good looks, it's not as if their IQ is being used for anything at the moment, given the way they were acting before… not to mention they'd do anything I'd ask anyway - "

"_Koschei._"

"Fine, fine… you're such a killjoy, Theta…"

* * *

Yasutora Sado stared, completely nonplussed by the incomprehensible conversation between Uryuu and Ichigo.

"Uh… are they always like this?" whispered Keigo, staring.

The giant shrugged.

* * *

"Hey, Doctor, I was just thinking… what if I decided to – "

"No."

"You didn't even listen to what I had to say!"

"I already know what you're going to ask. The answer is still no."

"But I was just talking about – "

"_No,_ Jack."

* * *

_Valeyard!hollow!Ichigo was far too terrifying to write properly in this much space. Sorry!_

* * *

**Pokemon**

"I wanna be the veeery best like no-one eeeever was,

To date 'em all will be my quest, to smooch them is my cauuuuuse – "

"Asano-san… stop singing about girls. Please. You're not Hideki Ryuuga. Or Casanova."

* * *

**Uzumaki**

and then suddenly everyone was the snails

* * *

**Naruto**

"…burn it with fire."

"Regrettably, I have to concur. Do you even want to _think _about how obscenely overpowered a hybrid jinchuurichi/shinigami/hollow would be? Not to mention compounding the absurd growth rate of two protagonists... as much as I'd appreciate not being shortsighted."

"On the other hand, Sosuke Aizen would be extremely screwed."

"…one word. Peidaraizen. Could you even _begin _to imagine the issues if he ever managed to get Mangekyo Sharingan? Let alone the Rinnegan."

"Okay, you've got a point there."

* * *

**Death Note**

"I am _not _gouging out my eyes for you. Even if you did happen to find my journal. And there's no way I'm just gonna go round killing people whose names you write down in it."

* * *

"Do you like apples?"

"…I'd rather have Yuzu's curry, actually."

* * *

**Harry Potter**

"…wait, so all I had to do was stab him with my zanpakuto to send his soul to hell? _Man_, that was easy."

* * *

**Homestuck**

"For you… I'll be the Prince of your Heart any Time, Princess."

_"That's the crappiest pickup line ever, Ishida. No way Inoue's gonna go for that one."_

_"Shut up."_

* * *

**Hatoful Boyfriend**

"I am going to open up your abdomen and play with your intestines, just because I can. And then I'll use your brain to make a personal assistant… yes, don't you think that sounds a good way for me to express my love to you, Uryuu-kun?"

(Yes, Szayel-sama/Yes, Szayel-sama/Yes, Szayel-sama)

* * *

**No Time to Explain**

"Ichigo… I am you from the future! There's no time to explain, you need to take this zanpakuto and stab yourself with – OH GOD IT'S HERE! MY EYES! MY EYES ARE IN MY LUNGS! THE PAIN!"

* * *

**Elder Scrolls**

"I used to think Uryuu Ishida was crappy at fighting, but then I took an arrow to the knee."


	24. Notes from the School Notice Board

**Notes from the School Notice Board**

* * *

**A/N:** Firstly, I would like to say that I'm not dead, which is fairly evident but nonetheless.

Secondly, I would like to apologise for the long silence. There will be further updates up for TWiBaW at the very least, which is currently being worked on.

**Pairings: **nopedotavi

* * *

1. - Please do not molest Ms. Inoue. Quite aside from the fact that such behaviour is highly inappropriate, we are running out of funds to replace the windows every time Ms. Arisawa throws someone out of them.

1a. - This goes double for you, Ms. Honshou. Claiming to check for squishability is not a valid excuse.

2. - Weapons are not permitted in school.

2a. - This includes swords of any description, knuckle dusters, knives, nunchaku, blackjacks and Tasers.

2b. - We don't care if they're ceremonial or not.

2c. - This now includes wooden bakkoto outside of kendo practice sessions.

2d. - As of the Shirt Incident, needles are now also included on this list outside of sewing club. Whilst you may be the president of the club, Mr. Ishida, this does not give you permission to string people up to the ceiling.

2e. - The fact that they insulted your dress sense and ruined your clothing is not an acceptable excuse.

3. - Suplexing someone is not a 'reasonable response' to anything.

3a. - Neither is breaking their nose.

4. - As from the start of the new term, we are now requiring doctor's notes for sick leave.

4a. - Parents are not permitted to write out doctor's notes for you. Even if they _are_ doctors.

4b. - We can recognise your handwriting, Mr. Asano. Don't even bother.

5. - Explosives are not permitted in school.

5a. - Even if they're made out of innocuous ingredients. _Especially _if they're made out of innocuous ingredients.

5b. - Flour is now banned outside of cookery classes. (How did you even manage to make that much of an explosion, anyway?)

5c. - Ms. Inoue and Ms. Matsumoto are forbidden from attempting to cook Super Special Chilli Breadcakes again, ever.

6. - Ms. Ochi is taking a brief leave for the sake of her sanity. Please treat your substitute teacher with the same degree of respect as you would any other teacher.

6a. - Running out of the room screaming about insane clown scientists invading the school does not constitute 'respect'.

6b. - Following further inquiries into Mr. Kurotsuchi's background after some serious allegations of threats from the students, we have hereby suspended him from teaching until further notice. The school formally apologises for any trauma suffered.

7. - Ms. Matsumoto, we must insist that you adhere to school uniform rules. The students are having enough issues concentrating as it is. Please refer to the handbook for details of 'minimum skirt length'.

8. - Further window breakages will cause money to be deducted from the Judo club's treasury. Refusal to own up does not suddenly make it free.

9. - To whoever put the cameras in the men's changing rooms, please stop. Mr. Ishida is getting paranoid about the clowns again.


End file.
